Paramour
by DearSweetPapercut
Summary: "I'm fine..." He paused running his tongue over his lips. "But the question is are you?" - Set post 'Meet Market'.
1. Prelude

So how to explain this...I was watching 'Meet Market' and I found the whole 'host' design rather interesting. And I'd been watching Nip/Tuck again and this idea popped into my head.

If you're interested in reading more- I'd be more than happy to write another chapter or two...

Please review- let me know what you think.

Disclaimer: I own zilch.

**Paramour **

The sound of her footsteps against the tiled floored echoed around the hall as she silently made her way towards his cell. A part of her didn't understand why she was doing this. There was no reason to see him. The case had been closed; she should have been walking away, going home and winding down before the next shift of brutal murders started. But for some reason she couldn't stop herself.

He was sitting staring at the wall ahead of him; his green eyes seemed to be blank of any tangible emotions. He looked completely different to the last time that she had seen him; the frustration, the fear and the vulnerability had vanished into nothingness.

Sara realised that she didn't know what exactly she had planned to do now she was in his presence. Jesse turned his gaze on her and a small smirk tugged at his lips before disappearing. He gave her the once over attempting to see if there was any evidence of why she was there but her hands were empty.

"What is it I can do for you Ms Sidle?" He asked raising an eyebrow finally giving in to the smile that had crossed his mind.

"...Nothing...I just wanted to see how you were..." Sara responded, straightening out her shirt before letting her hands settle in her pockets. What she had said was not a complete lie; she had been concerned about him. He had displayed so much more than the suave exterior that made him money in the interrogation room.

"I'm fine. Apart from, the whole, murder thing and, well, orange really isn't my colour..." He gave a small humourless laugh. "But that's not why you're really here..."

"I know what it's like to lose a parent..." Sara blurted out, taking a step towards him, she felt slightly more comfortable with herself when she realised that there was no point in dancing around the truth- he could read her like a book.

"I didn't _'lose'_ her...she abandoned me." Jesse corrected her slightly bitterly. Standing up from the spot he'd been seated at her took a step towards her.

"Okay..." Sara took another deep breath. "I know what it's like to have an alcoholic father..."

It was that confession that caught Jesse's attention- he took another slow step towards her. Sara saw a strange flicker across his eyes as she felt herself flinch as he continued closing the space between them, increasing their proximity with each step.

"You've been hurt before..." he commented quietly into the air between them.

Sara looked away her eyes settling on the floor as she attempted to force her feet to move away from him but for some reason her body and her mind didn't seem to be working in conjunction. He lifted his hand as if to touch her but quickly moved it away.

"It's okay...I won't hurt you." Jesse seemed to be assuring her.

"I know..." Sara replied still refusing to meet his eye.

"I'm fine..." He paused running his tongue over his lips. "But the question is are you?"

Sara's eyes shot up to look at him; standing this close she could see the flecks of gold in the green, the rise and fall of his chest with each breath. She realised that she was speechless- that she honestly didn't know what to say in response to his question.

"It's okay to be vulnerable..." He muttered to her. She just nodded in response, realising now why he had been good at his job.

"Did your father make you feel like you couldn't be?" Jesse asked his vision not leaving her face as she looked around avoiding his eye.

"No..." Sara shook her head pursing her lips.

"So you don't let yourself be, because you're scared it'll happen again." He puzzled out loud and figuring from Sara's response that he was correct. She looked up at him, her eyes silently pleading for him to stop talking. Jesse remained silent, titling his head as he studied her.

"We all do what we can to stop ourselves from getting hurt..." She shrugged taking her hands out of her pockets, picking at her nails.

"But he still hurts you anyway..." He theorised in a low voice. Again, rather than speaking Sara nodded. Neither one of them had to clarify who they were talking about- the problem as not with her father- it was a lover "Tell me..." He took her hands in his own stopping her from distracting herself from the conversation that they were having.

"He doesn't understand..." She pursed her lips again. "...Things between us are always so complicated...It sometimes feels like that's all we know how to do." She gave a small smile.

"And you don't want complicated?" Jesse asked, questioningly.

"No..." Sara shook her head realising that what she was asking for was almost impossible. Her relationship with Grissom was unethical; they shouldn't have been seeing each other at all let alone complaining about how complicated things were between them. She wondered if at any point she had been able to deny her feelings for him.

"What _do_ you want?" He titled her chin up so they were eye to eye. It was as if he was trying to gage the honesty in her answer.

"I don't know..." Sara whispered. It was a sincere answer- she realised that no matter how comfortable she would try and make herself feel that they had been finding it hard and perhaps they always would. "I want him...I guess"

"You want him to want you? Or you want him to be with you?" Jesse asked with a raised eyebrow.

"What's the difference?" Sara replied attempting to unravel his words.

"If you want to be with you then complicated isn't okay...You want him to be a companion to you? If you want him to want you...to desire you...then complicated is fine..." He clarified.

"I don't feel like he wants either..." Sara shrugged. As much as she wanted to ignore, forget rather, Grissom's initial resistance to her it weighed heavy on her heart. "I worry that one day...he'll realise that..."

"It's natural to be scared...you're putting your heart on the line..." He muttered sympathetically to her.

"And he's broken it enough times before..." She gave a small humour less laugh. Jesse reached out tucking her hair behind her ear, before he let his hand move slightly lower resting on her jaw as his thumb brushed over her cheek.

"Does he tell you you're beautiful?" he asked softly- the question lingered in the small space.

"Sometimes..." Sara nodded; recalling how nonchalantly Grissom had mentioned that he had not become interested in beauty until he had met her. The time she and Grissom spent together was special, she knew that but putting what they had into words had always been difficult. They were never verbal- things between them had just manifested.

"Does he make you feel beautiful?" The question seemed oddly similar to the first, Sara quirked an eyebrow at him. He looked directly into her eyes, delicately continuing brushing his thumb against her cheek.

"When his hands touch your body...When he kisses your skin..." His hands seemed to be demonstrating moving in the space between them silently speaking of the things he would do. "When he makes love to you...Do you feel beautiful?" For some reason Sara couldn't answer, she remained silent watching him cautiously wondering what his next move would be.

"Because there is someone out there who can..." Jesse took another step closer to her. Sara could feel his breath hitting her cheek; she could smell the crisp notes of his cologne. He seemed to be overwhelming her. "There is someone out there who can look you in the eye tell you he loves you and promise you he'll never hurt you...who can make you feel beautiful and isn't scared to tell you...because you are...Sara"

Sara looked in his eyes, her hand shaking slightly as she attempted to figure out what to do. She had let herself get tangled up in his web and charm but she realised that she didn't know how to disconnect herself from him. He lent his head closer to her; his stubble gazing her cheek he looked into her eyes once more before he placed his lips on hers. Jesse kissed her softly his hands on her neck feeling her rapid pulse as he deepened the kiss. His teeth taking nips at her lower lip before his tongue explored the inside of her mouth, his taste settling on her lips. She couldn't help it she kissed back letting the passion, the heat of the moment get to her.

Jesse pulled away but Sara didn't move she stood there her eyes closed her breathing uneven as she was left reeling from the encounter, the ghost of his kiss lingering on her mouth.

"You better get going...it's getting late..." he whispered in her ear.

"You're right..." Sara nodded, opening her eyes placing her hands in the pockets of her jeans as she turned to walk away.

"Sara..." Jesse stopped her before heading to sit down; she silently turned to face him. "If you get lonely...I'm sure Darren would be able to find the perfect host...Someone who can fill the empty space...Who wants you and wants to be with you..."

Sara simply just nodded not able to speak the words just knotted up in her throat as she stepped out of the door. The air outside of the cell seemed cold gently washing over her skin as she attempted to get her composure back. With her eyes closed and a deep breath she walked away but one question seemed to linger in her mind...

What had she done?


	2. Admiration

_...And then it struck me_

The title of this chapter is from Stendhal and Roland's 'Stages of Love'

I hope you all find this interesting- please review let me know what you think and whether you'd like some more...

Disclaimer: I own zilch.

**Paramour **

**(Admiration)**

Sara took a deep breath as she undid her seat belt; the sound of the music from the club caused the ground to shake on the surface, the bright lights of the sign glowing against the darkness. A part of her wondered if she had made a mistake coming her- perhaps she should have gone home and comforted herself with the fact that she had someone who she loved and no matter how complicated it was he loved her too. But as she caught a glance of herself in the rear-view mirror she decided against turning around and walking away.

What would be harm in going once?

Running her fingers through her hair she climbed out of the car and headed towards the club she had once thought slightly ridiculous. The music was most certainly not something that she would have listened to of her own accord but as it filled her ears, vibrated through her body she let it settle into her system.

She made the short walk down the hall way, peering into the rooms she passed. Sara wondered if she should have gone home first; changed into something more appealing than the slacks and t-shirt combo she was currently wearing. She acknowledged that had she gone home she never would have made it here.

"Are you here to arrest another one of my top hosts?" A man approached her with a small knowing smile but the bite in his voice was undeniable.

"No..." Sara shook her head not knowing how to reveal herself as a customer. She pursed her lips, tucking her hands into her pockets glancing around quickly before she turned back to face the clear blue eyes that were studying her. "I'm not here in a professional capacity..."

"Oh..." Darren, she assumed, looked slightly shocked but he couldn't hide the smile that had tugged at his lips. "Well then...come right this way..."

He led her to a small office; the walls were a deep purple, the furniture looked as if it had been stolen from an old Victorian Manor, the lighting was dim and Sara guessed that was on purpose. She sat herself down at the desk opposite him and waited for whatever process that was required to start.

"I'm Darren...I'm the 'head host' here..." He introduced himself.

"Sara...Sidle."She nodded not knowing how to introduce herself- so many of her interactions were simply a side effect of work it felt bizarre to not have to mention where she worked alongside her name. The Crime Lab was a part of her identity- it made up most of her identity if she was honest. It was where she felt safe and comfortable. It was the place she had friends and people she loved.

"So what type of host are you looking for Ms Sidle?" He asked leaning back in his chair, tapping the pen in his hand against the table.

"I'm not really sure..." Her body mimicked his and she leant back in her chair. "If I'm honest I'm not really sure why I'm here..."

"Ah I see..." Darren smiled sweetly at her, placing his pen down. "There is someone I'd like to introduce you to..."

He stood up and straightened out suit jacket before he offered Sara his hand. She took it with some hesitation letting him lead her to whomever it was that he intended to be her host.

"Sara I would like you to meet Reuben." Darren indicated to the man seated at the bar.

The first time about him that struck her were his hazel eyes; they seemed to be dancing with the dim lighting gleaming at her. He smiled slightly before turning fully to face them but still not getting up from his seat. Sara offered him her hand and after a small pause he shook it.

"I'll leave you two to introduce yourself...But I have a feeling you'll get on..." Darren assured, he touched Sara's shoulder before he disappeared.

Sara remained standing, awkwardly fidgeting with her hands not knowing what to do with herself. After a few moments Reuben indicated for her to take the seat beside him. With a small smile she did, waiting for him to start speaking.

"So Sara...What is it that brings you here?" He gave her a chipped tooth smile that made her shiver slightly.

"I...Don't really know how to explain..." She pursed her lips realising that she didn't know how to explain the problems she'd been having with Grissom, or generally with love. Sara took a few moments to study the man in front of her; his hair fell into his eyes in dark brown curls, the dimples in his cheeks seemed to add an air of childishness about him. He was handsome. There was no denying that, Sara noted, but she had never been one to see beauty as skin deep.

"That's okay...We can get there...Would you like a drink?" He asked, attempting to put her at ease indicating towards the bar.

"Double bourbon, neat, thank you." Sara smiled back as she tried to become comfortable in his company.

"Why don't we take this somewhere quieter?" Reuben muttered to her once their drinks were placed down on the bar. Not knowing what else to say Sara simply just nodded following him to a small room- there seemed to be minimal furniture and like the rest of the place dim lighting. Sara sat down on the narrow sofa that seemed to be the centre piece of the room her eyes focused on the drink in her hand as Reuben sat down with his body facing her.

"Tell me about yourself...What do you do?" He asked attempting to get her to speak to him before he approached her reasoning for being there.

"I'm a criminalist I work at the Las Vegas Crime Lab..." She replied with a small smile.

"Law Enforcement...Just what I thought..." He gave a low gravely laugh.

"How could you tell?" Sara laughed leaning back in her seat, surveying him.

"I cheated...I saw you here the other day..." He explained. "Where are you from originally?"

"San Francisco" Sara replied.

"From the City by the Bay to Sin City- what made you move?" He continued with his questioning keeping the conversation going.

"The job..." Sara shrugged not wanting admit that the real reason she had moved to Las Vegas had been Gil Grissom- the very man that had been her reason for being in this club in the first place.

"There's more to it than that..." Reuben noted with a secretive smile.

"There is..." Sara nodded taking a sip of the drink in her hand.

"You could tell me...Or I'll just try and guess..." He offered her an incentive to open up but for some reason Sara refused to take the bait. She just gave a laugh and shook her head keeping her eyes focused on the glass of whiskey in her hand.

"You're a raging gambling addict?" He mocked her.

"No...That I'm not..." Sara laughed.

"You wanted to make it as a stripper?" Rueben continued knowing that his suggestions were ridiculous.

"That's exactly it..." She replied sarcastically.

"Was it love?" He asked in a low voice suddenly becoming serious. Sara's eyes shot up meeting his, the look they shared saying everything that he needed to know.

"Yes." She muttered, turning back to her drink taking another sip.

"The things we do for love eh?" He smiled knowingly at her.

"So, how about you? What made you want to be a host?" Sara asked attempting to understand what it was that made someone selling themselves. She recognised that what he did wasn't like prostitution but still there was something about the occupation she couldn't quiet her head around.

"I'm a writer..." He shrugged with a small smile. "It's not the best paid job...doing this I have enough time to keep working on my book and support myself..."

"That's interesting..." Sara smiled.

"You don't have to lie..." Reuben laughed.

"No...Sorry...I didn't mean to sound so...disinterested..." She leant towards him, placing her hand on his arm. "What type of book are you writing?"

Reuben glanced up at her, their eyes meeting again and Sara could feel another shiver run down her spine as he leant towards her to whisper in her ear as if they were somewhere crowded as opposed to an empty room by themselves.

"It's a love story..." He murmured, his breath feeling hot against her cheek, a few of the thin curls stirring.

"Oh..." Sara found that she was lost for words again not really knowing how to respond. A part of her wanted him that romance seemed to be a lost cause but from the clarity in his eyes she could tell he still had hope- a sense of hope that perhaps she still should have had.

"About two people who shouldn't have fallen in love...the tragic tale of star-crossed lovers..." He explained with a sparkle in his eye that was impossible to deny. Sara pursed her lips, keeping her ideas to herself taking another mouthful of burning whiskey letting it slide down her throat.

"So what do you do to escape?" Reuben asked with a smirk recognising her hesitations about eternal love.

"I...don't really do anything..." Sara shrugged recalling a conversation she'd had with Grissom some time ago where he had challenged her to tell him what it was she did in her spare time.

"Well...I'm glad you're here..." She didn't have to turn around- she could feel him smiling.

"Talking about being here...it's getting late...I should go..." She informed him finishing off the rest of the bitter tasting liquid in the glass before placing it down. "So...how does this work? How do I pay for your time?"

"The first time's on the house...and if you come back...we can sort payments out then..." He laughed sensing her cynicism.

"I see...well it was nice meeting you Reuben." Sara offered her his hand once more; to her surprise he used it to pull her towards him kissing her delicately on the cheek.

"Let me walk you to your car..." He offered standing up.

"You really don't need to...Its fine..." Sara followed suit, tugging at her jacket.

"I'd like to..." Reuben walked beside her, his hand on her lower back as he lead her through the crowds the parking lot towards her car.

"I hope you come back...I'd like to see you again..." He whispered into her ear, pulling back with a contagious chipped tooth grin.

"I bet you say that to all the girls..." Sara winked before pulling herself away from him climbing into the driver's seat.

As Sara drove through the busy roads of Las Vegas, the neon blinding her, she attempted to work out whether she wanted to see Reuben again...


	3. Desire

I thought this chapter was going to be the death of me- running on no sleep is no fun!

I hope you all find this interesting- please review let me know what you think and whether you'd like me to continue...

Disclaimer: I own zilch.

**Paramour **

**(Desire)**

The smell of blood was overwhelming her senses lingering in the air like an old companion as she stood in the darkness with nothing but the light of her torch pooling by her feet as her exhausted body attempted to let go of everything that had gotten under her skin.

"Sara..." Greg's voice travelled to her ear like headlights through fog hitting her out of nowhere. Sara turned to face him her expression blank, her eyes lacking anything tangible. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine..." She replied her voice shaking slightly as she did so.

"All the evidence is in the car- I'm all set to go..." He explained waiting for her response but without a word she made her way past him towards the front door of their crime scene.

Greg followed her to the car sitting himself down in the passenger seat while attempting to voice his concerns for her. Sara hadn't been herself all day. From the moment she walked into the break room he could sense that there was something wrong. But he had struggled to find the right words to ask her what exactly the problem was.

"What's going on?" He asked leaning back in his seat not taking his eyes off her.

"Nothing" She said through gritted teeth knowing Greg well enough to know that he wouldn't settle for that answer. He would push her for an answer but if she was honest she was finding it hard enough to explain to herself what she was experiencing.

"You're lying." He pointed out the obvious his eyes turning to face the road. Trial and error had taught Greg that it was best to leave Sara to silence, to wait, until she spoke first.

"It's just..." Sara took a deep breath tilting her head against the knot that was forming in her neck. "One day we're all going to stop existing...no one will remember us, no one will know who we are, what we did."

"Sara...One day we're all going to die, there is nothing we can do about that..." Greg commented not fully grasping what she was trying to say.

"I know..." Sara snapped back, sighing at the lack of understanding from her friend. Instead of being offended or upset Greg simply just shrugged looking through the case notes that had been abandoned on the dashboard.

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean to snap at you..." After a few moment of cooling down Sara spoke her eyes focused on the road ahead of her not turning to face the man beside her. "It's just...I'm scared that I'm completely alone..."

The statement felt ridiculous considering the family she had built around herself in Las Vegas, and her relationship with Grissom. But Sara realised that when she went home after work there was no one there. She would be left alone with nothing but her thoughts. She would spend her evenings waiting for the scraps of attention the man that claimed to love her would throw her way.

If that was all she had wasn't she in fact alone?

Greg shifted in his seat turning to face her with his soulful brown eyes, studying her expression, while letting all of the thoughts run through his mind before he replied. A part of him wanted to reach out- touch her hand- do something to prove to her that she wasn't alone but nothing seemed appropriate.

"Sara you're not alone..." He muttered clearing his throat. "You have me...you have the rest of the team..."

"Do you ever have those days, where you think about who you wanted to be, and who you've become?" She asked ignoring his response. He thought hard about his answer; he wondered if his beliefs about his future had ever been particularly in-depth. Greg soon realised that he had, from a young age, just taken life as it was thrown at him hoping that what he was doing was making a difference and that he was making at least one person smile every day.

"Not really." He replied honestly; wondering where all of these questions and thoughts had come from. Sara often said profound things, but usually it would be one line that she'd leave him to unravel rather questioning him about matters of life and death. Greg thought it strange how for people in their profession that hadn't had this conversation earlier.

"Our victim today probably had. She probably imagined herself growing up, falling in love, getting married, having children. She might have even had one of those dream books with pictures from magazines about what sort of a life she wanted to have but...that's not going to happen now." Sara ran her tongue over her lower lip attempting to make the words less like sand paper in her mouth. "And what's to say we're going to get all of those things we wanted just because we're alive?"

"You're right- but if you keep thinking like that Sara you're never going to be happy with what you _do_ have." Greg pointed out hoping that she would realise that it was not worth dwelling on such things. He noted that during certain moods it was easier said than done.

"You're right Greg." Sara sighed, leaning back in her seat as she pulled up in their usually parking spot. "We better go and log our evidence in" Sara gave up on trying to explain her current state of mind to him, realising that Greg hadn't experienced enough bitterness first hand to realised that sometimes life just simply isn't fair.

An odd emotion bubbled up in her system and as she studied the man beside her she realised that it was envy. She was jealous of him for the sheltered life he had lived; she envied him for having the things that she had always wanted; a family, unconditional love, stability.

What she would have done to have those things as a child.

The thought evident in her mind as memories of those years played in her mind like a broken record, repeating and getting stuck at moment that had scarred her deeper than anyone could perceive.

"I can do it- if you want to go home..." He offered attempting to figure what it was exactly that Sara needed.

In that moment Sara found herself feeling unjustifiable resentment towards her friend for always trying to do the right thing, for always wanting to be a good person. A manipulative part of her deep down wanted to break him just to see how far he'd bend but brushing those irrational thoughts aside she turned away from him.

"Thanks" She simply just nodded climbing out of the Denali waving a goodbye at Greg over her shoulder as she made her way towards her car.

As Sara drove through the traffic filled streets of Las Vegas she realised that she felt exhausted. The time without Grissom had proved to her just how empty her existence had become; under normal circumstances when she wasn't at the lab she would be pining over him.

Another thing that had become apparent to her was the fact that she didn't want to be by herself anymore.

Abandoning her things at the door Sara her way towards the kitchen pulling out a beer from the fridge she made her way to her bedroom subconsciously making a decision. She threw the cupboard doors open finding the one slinky black dress she owned simply for the purpose of cocktail parties and the highest heels she could find.

Once she'd dressed herself Sara painted her features with the various powders and paints she had stashed away in the top drawer of her dresser. She wanted to recapture something. She wanted to be the person she had once been; someone who had been full of life, someone who had something that was desired. With a deep breath Sara stepped out into the Vegas evening leaving her inhibitions and with her usually routines at home.

She wanted to reclaim her life.

Seeing death every day reminded them of just how short life could really be, how living with regrets and doubts was not worth the pain the caused. She found herself in the same parking lot she had been in the night before with the same doubts in her mind as the indigo sky stretched out about her.

Lovers strolled arm in arm through the parking spaces, beautiful young women strutted in stilettos towards the entrance of the club reminding Sara that she did not fit in there. She wasn't one of these women. She wasn't the better half of one of these couples.

But perhaps that's why she needed to be there- perhaps she just needed to be someone other than herself.

Glancing at herself in the mirror one last time Sara made her way towards the club, throwing her shoulders back and walking as if there was no other place for her to be. A small sense of satisfaction settled in her system as strangers noticed the small sway in her hips, the cut of her dress. Sara felt like someone else- someone desirable.

Her gaze locked with Reuben's as she made her way towards the bar. He eyes didn't leave her for a moment until she was standing within an arm's reach of him.

"You came back..." He sounded surprised, the pupils of his hazel eyes darkening slightly as he flashed Sara a chipped tooth smile.

"I don't want to be alone anymore..." She replied her voice low as if they were strangers sharing classified information.

Sara acknowledged that was exactly what she was doing; Reuben was her secret...


	4. Hope

Sorry for the slower than usual update! I'm back at home for the summer moving out of the city messes with my head!

Thank you for all the reviews so far- please keep 'em coming!

Disclaimer: I own zilch.

**Paramour **

**(Hope)**

Reuben smiled offering Sara his hand; without any hesitation she took it letting him lead her to one of the back rooms. It was different to the one she had been in previously; there was a heavy oak dining table in the centre, the lighting mainly consisted of kitsch lamps dotted around on the mismatching furniture. Fine china plates were set on the silk table cloth as candles burnt out illuminating the scene.

"You look beautiful..." He shyly mentioned pulling out a chair waiting for Sara to take a seat.

"Thank you...I wasn't sure about the clothes..." She shrugged sitting down waiting for Reuben to take the seat opposite her but he didn't, remaining standing beside her.

"You need to be surer of yourself Sara..." He smiled. "...you're a knockout."

She pursed her lips, their eyes meeting for a moment before either one of them said anything.

"I'll be right back..." Rueben explained already heading towards the door. Sara glanced around nervously at the room that surrounded her attempting to familiarise herself. She noted that it was not the type of setting she would have imagined herself in but then again she wouldn't have ever imagined herself paying for companionship.

The sound of the door creaking open caught her attention Sara turned to find Rueben making his way back towards the table a six pack of beer in one hand and a pizza in the other. He placed them down on the table between them and finally took the seat opposite her.

"Sorry...this was the best I could do..." He apologised as he opened a bottle of beer and handing it to Sara.

"It's fine" She smiled reassuring him. "So how does this work?"

"Well...This is a first date...it's about getting to know each other..." Reuben explained. "So asking questions about each other, feeling each other out...figuratively obviously..."

"That's a shame..." Sara smirked taking a sip of her beer.

"Playing like that are we?" He gave a low gravely laugh.

"I'm not playing..." she quirked an eyebrow at him; she was enjoying this new type of attention she was receiving. As much as she loved Grissom their relationship had never been about desire or pure physical attraction. They had been drawn together based on the mental and emotional chess they had both trained themselves to play. And no matter her attempts to remind herself that this was false; it all seemed to so different.

"So...Tell me about yourself..." Rueben smiled handing Sara a slice of pizza.

"Well...to start with I'm a vegetarian." She offered looking intently at the toppings.

"Me too..." He beamed at her. "What made you want to become a vegetarian?"

"Grissom and I watched a pig wrapped up in a blanket decompose over night to measure the effects of cover on decomposing flesh..." Sara gave a secretive smile as she recalled the way Grissom's blue eyes had lit up as she approached him that night. They had sat in comfortable silence just enjoying the feeling of the other being beside them. It was the night Sara had realised that she was really done for- that there was no other name for what she felt but love. "And I just couldn't eat meat after that..." She shrugged.

"That...er...sounds lovely..." Rueben raised an eyebrow; noting the way that Sara had responded to talking about Grissom reminding himself to ask about him at a later stage. "You do a lot of things like that at work?"

"More often than you would think" Sara smiled feeling herself getting comfortable in the atmosphere they had created. "But it's a part of the job, you get used to it. Sometimes it's actually fun."

"What made you want to work in law enforcement?" He asked, interested in getting to know more about her.

Sara paused for a moment not knowing how to respond to the question that she had been asked. She couldn't remember if she had ever sat down and thought about the decision she had made to become a CSI. All of these years things seemed just so beyond her control- science had always been a way to prove that there was an order to things. That everything happened for a reason.

"My father...was murdered..." She half explained where the need to understand the reasoning behind unfortunate events came from.

"I'm sorry..." Rueben studied her as she kept her eyes focused on anything but him realising that he had hit a tender nerve.

"Don't be...you didn't know." Sara shrugged before she shook off the slightly timid form her body had taken. "How about you what made you want to be a writer?"

"It's always been an escape from reality...A place to hide and at some stage I started taking it seriously." He replied realising that like Sara he had never thought through what he was doing. She could sense that hurt lingered in the shadows of his past, but offered him the some respect by not asking what it was that had been trying to escape.

"It's sad don't you think, how everyone seems to have something they need to escape from?" She asked thinking out loud their eyes meeting meaningfully across the table; sparking something that neither one of them could explain.

"It is..." He agreed sadly.

"If you could escape...where would you go?" She questioned, thinking of the whole world around them, of all the places they could disappear to.

"Cottonwood, Utah." Rueben offered without hesitation. Sara raised an eyebrow at him not fully understanding the implications. "It's where I grew up...home...You?"

"I don't know...I'd travel, I think..." Sara offered shortly. It struck her odd how she had spent so many years wanting to escape but realising that she had no idea where she would go once she had done. A moments silence lingered between them as they lost themselves in an alternate reality where they had managed to leave this city behind and become the people that they had hoped they'd once be.

"What's your favourite book?" Rueben asked breaking the silence.

"Jane Eyre..." Sara replied after giving it some thought while she took a bite out of the pizza he had given her. She had always loved the story for the reminder of triumph, for the unconventional love that endured between Jane and Mr Rochester. She recalled hiding behind the curtains in the bedroom she had been allocated in one of her foster homes, looking out at the stretching greenery while losing herself in the pages of the battered old copy she had found abandoned in the room. Sara remembered how much she had loved the feel of the book in her hands, the texture of the paper, as she realised that she had become enchanted with words using them to escape the pain of reality.

"What about you?" Sara unfolded her napkin straightening out the edges with her hands.

"Lord of the Flies" He gave her his signature chipped tooth smile. "It brings out the optimism in me..."

"Optimism isn't what I'd associate with it..." Sara raised her eyebrows attempting to understand his point of view.

"There is always a chance you're going to be rescued." Rueben replied flippantly.

"Huh, never thought about it that way..." She shrugged.

"Getting new perspectives on old knowledge is always a good thing." He smiled softly at her.

"So...many of your relationships teach you new perspectives..." Sara teased.

"Some..." Rueben let the word linger as he studied the woman before him. He could sense all of the walls she had built around her heart; there was something sad lingering in her dark eyes and behind every one of her smiles.

He reached across the table tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, brushing his fingertips delicately across her skin. She met his eye as his hand seemed to remain for a moment too long the warmth of his skin spreading over hers. _He was most certainly good at his job. _She thought momentarily before glancing away with a shy smile.

"What inspired your book?" She whispered wondering if there was anyone for whom these simple touches and smiles he used were real. Something flashed across his eyes for a moment but as quickly as it had appeared it was gone.

"I once fell in love..." He said nonchalantly taking a swing from his beer. Sara understood his defensiveness and decided not to push any further recognising the hurt of a broken heart. "She...married someone else." Rueben eventually explained.

"I'm sorry..." Sara said apologetically placed her hand on his.

"Don't be...We all have to have our hearts broken at some stage..." He assured her but it was almost as if he was attempting to convince himself that was the case.

"I guess you're right about that..." She nodded, wondering if everyone was broken underneath it all. "I...I think should get going..."

"Okay..." Rueben smiled standing up offering Sara his hand.

"So...I decided to come back...How do you want me to pay you?" She asked dismissively with a disarming smile.

"Check should do it..." He nodded.

Once they had sorted through the formalities of their arrangement Sara turned to walk away but like the previous night Rueben offered to walk her to the car. She didn't protest as he walked by her side, his hand lingering on the small of her back.

"What are you think about?" She asked noticing how he had been silent the whole way to her car.

Sara turned to face him noticing how close they were standing; she could see the rise and fall of his chest, the smell of his cologne overwhelmed her slightly. Rueben ran his tongue over his lower lip before he spoke, his eyes firmly on hers.

"I was wondering what you'd think if I kissed you on our first date..."


	5. Doubt

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**(Doubt)**

Sara watched him carefully his eyes darkening slightly as her gaze travelled down to his lips; Rueben took another step forwards completely decimating the space between them their bodies brushing against each other. Sara's breath caught in her chest as she attempted to figure out how to respond to the man before her. His musky scent had her feeling light headed, the smile playing on his lips had her fingertips tingling and as she imagined his skin against hers she could hear her heart rate double.

"I won't know what I think unless you kiss me..." She whispered letting the words settle between them like smoke; a silent way of assaying her approval.

Without a word Rueben leant his head forwards pressing his forehead against Sara's before finally placing his lips on hers. Sara could taste the mix of cigarettes and beer as he slowly kissed her. She found herself kissing him back as her hands curled up into fists at her side as her self control slipped away. His lips moved softly against hers as his hands rested on her car capturing her in his warmth.

Reuben ended the kiss their lips brushing against each others with a silent agreement that somewhere deep down they both wanted more. That the scarce physical contact they'd allowed themselves to indulge in was not enough.

Their eyes met nervously as they attempted to analyse what it was they felt in that moment and what it was they'd done.

"What do you think?" Reuben asked in a hushed tone breaking the silence between them looking her in the eye searching for honesty in her verdict.

"I think I'll see you tomorrow." Sara replied not knowing exactly what she felt for him; not knowing if she should feel anything for him. What she did know was that she wanted to see him again and talk to him about his book, his broken heart, his life.

"I look forward to it..." He smiled finally moving out of her personal space. "I'll see you tomorrow." he nodded a goodbye his hands clasped firmly behind his back.

"Bye" Sara responded with a nod finding her car keys.

As she drove home she wondered if she had made a mistake by going to 'Over Under' in the first place. Sara attempted to unravel why she had let Jesse's words get under her skin so much. Shouldn't she have been able to brush aside his accusations of being lonely and not properly loved?

Another good question she needed to ask herself was what was it that she was gaining from being there at all. Companionship didn't make sense with a stranger, and she had repeatedly reminded herself that there was no such thing as love at first sight. (If that was the case she considered why what she and Rueben had created felt like a whirlwind romance.)

She could recall childish dreams she'd once had of being swept off her feet but wasn't it too late for all of that?

She'd experienced love for the destructive and obsessive emotion it truly was. She knew it for the times she'd been alone after having a drink too many pining over a man who didn't seem to understand just how much he meant to her. Sara had experienced the dark part of the feeling that had led her to abandon her life in San Francisco for him.

But hadn't it been worth it?

They were together- they had made it through the obstacles life had put in their way and found their places next to each other- wasn't that enough?

The city around her seemed to speak for itself, answer the question in her mind. Sara had always imagined herself moving away to somewhere full of nature and beauty enjoying the simple things in life but here she was in Sin City surrounded by artificial neon all because of one man.

Sara had moved away for someone who initially seemed to force himself to only handle in her a professional capacity when all she had wanted was his affections. She had changed her surroundings for someone who eventually realised that he was breaking her heart.

She had let go of all of those older dreams for a halfway romance.

Had giving up the life she had built been worth it? She thought it ironic how it seemed to be questions answering her.

Sara had never seen herself as one who falls for the chase but as she found her mind wandering to Rueben she realised how captivating it was to be in a relationship where she had a chance, where she might even have the upper hand. She scolded herself for thinking like that- it wasn't a real relationship. Everything between them was false.

However she couldn't deny the way she had felt when they'd kissed. As hard as it was for Sara to admit, she'd never been kissed like that. Not even Grissom who she had spent years imagining kissing had managed to make her melt in quite that way. It was like a moment stolen from the silver screen, the jitters, the anticipation; the excitement all seemed to be unreal.

Perhaps that itself was the problem?

Maybe all of these years of anticipation of feeling real love had just left her with unrealistic expectations of what it would be like to meet someone who longed to be with you as much as you wished to be with them and what she had found with Grissom was as real as it was going to get.

With an exhausted sigh Sara pulled up into her drive way attempting to ignore the disappointments and pain that love had brought her way over the years. Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of her phone ringing.

"Hello" She grumbled throwing herself haphazardly onto the sofa.

"Well hello there sunshine..." A familiar voice mocked.

"What do you want Greg?" She rolled her eyes to herself as if he were there in person to see her response.

"Nothing...I've got a six pack and a lot of new DVDs...I was wondering if you were interested in being my company for the night." He asked the sound of rustling in the background irritating her slightly but she ignored it realising it would be a bad decision to yell at Greg for something he can't help.

"Sorry Greg...I'm not really feeling up to it..." Sara responded a part of her wanting to be left alone to wallow in self pity while the other part of her seemed to be telling her she's an idiot for turning down company.

"I've got Daniel Craig films Sara are you really going to say no?" He teased, remaining persistent.

"Fine..." Sara groaned convincing herself that company wasn't a bad idea- she needed to get out of her own head. She needed to stop thinking about Rueben (and maybe even Grissom).

"That's good because I'm outside your house..." The sound of the doorbell ringing through the living room accompanied this comment. Taking a deep breath to regain her composure Sara opened the front door. Like he'd said Greg had a six pack of beer in one hand a DVDs in the other.

"You didn't have to get dressed up for me..." He said in a low voice carefully giving her the once over before he made himself comfortable on the sofa.

Sara didn't say a word glaring at him as she took a seat beside him but Greg just smiled; there was something endearing about the way he did so, as if he was unsure of himself and she couldn't help but let her expression soften.

"You look beautiful..." Greg leant slightly towards her, their shoulders bumping against each other. "But then again...you always look beautiful to me..."

"So what movies did you bring?" She cleared her throat looking away as a blush crept onto her cheeks. "There better be plenty of Daniel Craig in them Sanders..."

"Casino Royal, Cowboys & Aliens and The Invasion" Greg handed the cases over to Sara as he opened two bottles of beer acknowledging that he'd embarrassed her and would happily move on.

"Casino Royal it is..." Sara decided placing the disc in the DVD player before taking her seat beside Greg again.

Every so often he would glance at her, his eyes wide with what could only be described as concern. The conversation they'd had earlier that day had been playing on his mind since he'd gotten home from work that day. As much as he hated it- he was worried about Sara. Greg had seen the way that she looked at Grissom and he had seen the way that the older man had distanced himself from her. He was no fool he had seen just how much it'd hurt Sara.

Their eyes met and silence seemed to speak volumes between them as Greg gave up on finding the right words or the right time

"I've been thinking about what you said earlier and Sara I just want you to know that you're not alone...I know it feels like it sometimes...but you're not." He paused to take a swing of his beer and a deep breath. "I'm going to be here for you no matter what."

"Thank you...That means a lot..." Sara smiled placing a gentle kiss on Greg's cheek before resting her head on his shoulder letting him wrap his arms around her.

As they lay tangled together on the sofa all of the doubts and worries Sara had been experiencing about Rueben, Grissom, relationships and love just seemed to evaporate.


	6. Conflict

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**(Conflict)**

The morning light felt like being hit with a truck Sara realised as she woke up to the mess that was her living room; empty beer bottles and popcorn kernels seemed to be littering every surface. Her head was resting on Greg's chest as his arms were wrapped around in attempt to stop her falling off the narrow sofa. The sound of his heart beat rung through her head as his cinnamon-y scent remained close to her. Sara tried to pull herself up to find that her legs were tangled together with Greg's holding her in place. The night before had passed in a daze of beer, cigarettes and pop corn. As thankful she had been for the company a part of her regretted it now.

"Greg..." Sara croaked attempting to wake him up; her eyes focused on his face waiting to see consciousness flicker. "Greg...Wake up..." She mumbled again. The man beneath her finally shifted the morning him in the same way it had done to Sara. He groaned as he opened his eyes, moving his legs allowing Sara room to move while he caressed her back gently. Greg's eyes slowly opened to the light with some resistance.

"We have to get up..." Sara announced pulling herself into a seated position- the change doing nothing for her as she tried to think clearly.

Her phone buzzed on the table the noise hurting their ears as they adjusted to being conscious. Sara picked it up the sight of Grissom's name on the screen finally woke her up. She glanced at Greg who had turned away from her, the soft sound of his breathing suggested that he was already asleep again but by this stage her phone had stopped ringing. With a sigh Sara made her way into the kitchen realising that she needed coffee before she attempted to assess the severity of the situation she had found herself in.

The way that she and Grissom had left things had been a little less than bitter. She had felt hurt that he hadn't discussed going away on sabbatical with her. Didn't couples discuss separation and the ability to influence each other's decisions?

But as always Grissom had been in control of the things they did, he had always been the one to set boundaries and his attempts to sooth things between them had done nothing to improve her mood towards him. In the end he had left her alone for four weeks with something that could barely be described as a good bye.

Even though all of these things were true Sara wondered why she felt guilty for spending time with Greg. All they had done was watch movies, talk or rather shout at the screen. It hit her then it wasn't Greg. It was Rueben that had forced all of this guilt upon her. It was their kiss. She knew the rules and that was cheating whether she'd paid for it or not.

"I hate mornings." Greg announced making his way into the kitchen running his hand through his already messy blonde hair interrupting Sara's thoughts.

"Don't we all?" Sara commented pulling two mugs out of one of the cupboards while Greg perched at the breakfast bar, simply just nodding at the comment.

"So what are your plans for you day off?" Greg asked gratefully taking the coffee Sara was offering him.

"I don't know" Sara shrugged attempting to work out what she would do with her time off without Grissom. Usually they would have spent their day together doing the things that normal couples did; watch movies, make love, stay in bed talking about things that seemed irrelevant to everyone else. If he were here she wouldn't be angry with him- everything would be just fine.

Sara wondered at what stage she started depending on someone else to just be. Had she not survived over twenty years completely alone?

"Fair enough, I'm going to a bowling thing with the guys you're welcome to join us." Greg offered his eyes shining hopefully at her.

"And spend extra, unpaid, time with Hodges?" Sara smiled, raising an eyebrow at him. It was a poor excuse but both of knew that it was not a good idea to push the matter.

"Yeah...It doesn't sound that great does it?" He pouted considering the plans he'd made more critically. "But I promised Archie...and you know me I don't like breaking promises" Greg shrugged. She nodded realising that it was true there was very little that he had abandoned and walked away from- it was one of the reasons she admired him.

"Thank you for asking though." Sara smiled appreciating Greg's efforts to provide her with some company. She leant forwards placing a kiss on his cheek. He nodded with a slightly embarrassed smile finishing the last of the coffee in his mug. It amazed her how one doubt that she had worded had brought Greg to her side when the most obvious heart break she wore as her colours for Grissom resulted him in barely conversing with her.

"I should probably head off now..." He announced pulling himself onto his feet, running his hand through his hair once again doing nothing to tame the mess.

"Bye...Thank you for last night..." Sara beamed wrapping her arm around his neck pulling him in for an embrace.

"Any time... I'm just a phone call away Sara..." He reminded her kissing her on the forehead before leaving.

Her heart seemed to flutter in her chest for a moment as she realised that perhaps she had never been as alone as she had imagined herself to be. After all- Greg was always there- always willing to listen to her, to cheer her up.

How could she complain of being completely alone when she had at least one person like him in her life?

What about love?

As much as she loved Greg she didn't know if she was in love with him. A part of her was fairly certain that she wasn't. Grissom was different- as much as he had been angering her- she felt tethered to him.

Sara picked up her phone standing alone attempting to figure out whether calling Grissom back was a good idea; after all of this time she still felt nervous around him and the last thing she wanted to do was disturb him. But as the screen on her phone lit up in her hand she realised that perhaps she didn't need to make that decision.

"You have one new message..." Sara sighed at the sound of the robotic voice her stomach filling up with butterflies. "Hi Sara, I thought I'd drop you a line see how you were. Busy. I'm guessing. I'm swamped over here at the moment, but I'm most certainly enjoying my time away. I've even met a student that reminds me a little of you when you were younger. She's got the most wonderful..."

She pressed exit not wanting to hear the whole message, her heart pounding in her head as she figured out how she should have been responding to what had just transpired. It had always been obvious to her that she felt more for Grissom that he did for her but his careless choice of words had started to get a bit more than under her skin.

How can you be with someone when they don't understand when they're upsetting you?

She recalled how Grissom had once asked her to clean up meat he'd been using in an experiment and how he had completely misunderstood her anger. The problem had been that he hadn't seen her as an equal.

And the more she thought about his recent behaviour towards her the more obvious it became that he still didn't see her as an equal.

The anger seemed to slowly disappear from her body as she realised that all along she knew what she'd be getting herself into by falling for him. From the moment they had met it had always been obvious that he hadn't understood the conventions of romance. And from those early years in Vegas it was more than obvious he worried about their age gap. In the back of her mind Sara had hoped that it would stop- that things would improve and they'd be able to move forward.

As much as it seemed on the surface that they had renewed themselves to each other and accepted the consequences of love it was obvious that they were very much the same place. And that they were both very much in the same places emotionally as they had been in before.

Perhaps she shouldn't have pushed him?

Perhaps she should have accepted his reasoning for rejecting her earlier on and chosen someone else. Chosen Greg; a man who was there for her at a seconds notice, a man who looked at her as if she were the only woman in the room.

Sara thought bitterly about how happy she could have been if she had made that decision. She could have been wrapped up in the arms of someone who would have never thought to leave her without saying so. She could have gone home every night knowing that he was thinking of her.

But she had been the one to make the decision. She was the one who'd turned all of those things down.

So in the end who else did she have to blame but herself?

Sara stood awkwardly in the kitchen a mug of coffee slowly letting the silence sink in as she attempted to clear her mind of all the negative thoughts that seemed to be flooding her atmosphere. She needed to do something. She needed to take her mind off everything.

And for some reason she could only think of one place to go...


	7. Inception

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**Paramour **

**(Inception)**

Sara knocked on the door waiting for an answer nervously straightening out her shirt. She'd taken a shower washing away all of the things she had been feeling and thinking about. As she waited as she realised that she needed to distance herself from the inner conflicts she had been experiencing.

Rueben answered the door with a tired expression, the glasses he was wearing casted a dark shadow over his hazel eyes. He gave her a quick smile moving out of the way letting him step past her into the room.

"Sorry...it's a bit of a mess I wasn't expecting you until later..." He explained indicating to the papers and books that seemed to be scattered about what looked like an office.

"I don't mind...and sorry for dropping by unannounced, and early, it's just I needed to get out..." Sara shrugged not making eye contact with him as she attempted to figure out where to sit.

"I understand..." Rueben indicated to the sofa in the corner. "Sit down; I'll get you a drink..."

"Thank you..." Sara awkwardly made her way to the seating she had been offered thinking through all of the things that she wanted to talk to Rueben about.

He returned with a bottle of whiskey and two tumblers in his hand holding them up for her to see with a devilish grin playing on his lips. A part of her was reminding her that it would be a bad idea to start drinking so early while the rest of her didn't seem to care- she'd come here to escape, to be someone else- what did it matter?

"I am interrupting anything?" Sara asked glancing nervously around the room again wondering what it was she had walked into.

"No, no...I was just starting at a blank page refusing to admit that I have writers block." Rueben flashed her one of his charming smiles as he poured her a generous amount of whiskey.

"Ah, you're working on your book, can I read it?" Sara asked taking the drink from him.

"Maybe a bit later...for now...why don't we talk about whatever it is that's bothering you?" He responded casually leaning back in his seat studying her.

"I don't want to talk about it..." Sara shrugged, her eyes focused on the glass in her hand as a mouthful of fiery liquid slid down her throat.

"Are you sure?" He questioned her as if she were an upset child.

"No..." Sara swallowed properly meeting his eye for the first time. She pulled out the packet of cigarettes in her pocket. "You mind?"

"No- Go ahead..." He watched her as she placed the cigarette between her lips a frustrated frown on her face as she searched for a lighter with little luck.

"Here..." Rueben held out a light for her. With the same frown Sara leant forwards lighting her cigarette leaning back sharply inhaling to take her first drag to calm her agitated nerves. He took a sip from his drink remaining silent waiting for her to begin talking.

"Why are relationships so hard?" Sara eventually asked blowing a puff of smoke out into the direction of the room.

"...Because it's a way to assess if someone's worth it. If you stick at it and work through your problems and want to hang around for the good parts then you know..." He hypothesised.

"What if the person's worth it but you can't do it anymore?" Another drag "What if you're tired?"

"Is it Grissom?" Rueben asked recalling the name from the conversation they'd had the previous day. There was a pause as Sara surveyed him her expression almost unreadable.

"Yes" She eventually replied.

"What's he like?" There appeared to be genuine interest in his voice as he turned his body fully to face her.

"He's amazing...he's intelligent, witty...he's everything I've ever wanted in a man..." Sara shrugged lifting her cigarette to her lips as she attempted to remind herself that she was in love with Grissom that she could see past all of his faults.

"But..." He sensed there was more.

"But..." With a sigh she stubbed out her cigarette out in the ash tray on the small table in front of them. "There are just so many problems...and I'm tired...And I regret pushing him in a relationship that he wasn't ready for...that he didn't fully want."

"If he didn't want to be with you he wouldn't be here..." Rueben attempted to assure her but the more he tried to sooth her mood the worse he seemed to be making it.

"You don't know him..." Sara finished off the whiskey in her tumbler pouring herself more before pulling another cigarette out of the almost full packet resting on the armrest beside her.

"Okay...What makes you think he doesn't want to be with you?" The question seemed to resound in Sara's mind as she thought of an appropriate answer.

"He...doesn't... let me in...I feel as if I'm constantly trying to prove to him that I'm worthy of his affection." She sighed glancing at the man beside her before quickly turning away. His hazel eyes now without the shadow of his glasses were focused on her. "We never talk about things...our problems...and I feel like rather than making each other happy...we're just slowly pushing each other away."

"If he were here what would you want to tell him?" He watched as Sara pretended she were with Grissom as opposed to him hoping that he was doing something small to help improve her mood.

"I'd tell him that I love him...and that's all that counts...all of the other things don't matter because...if we just...gave ourselves a chance...then maybe we could be happy." She took a deep breath, a drag from her cigarette.

"If he were here what would you ask him?" Rueben sensed that there were doubts that Sara couldn't ignore when it came to her relationship.

"Did I push too hard? Did I force him into a relationship that he didn't want? Is he here because he feels like he can't leave? Am I not enough?" She stopped her turning to look at him, her dark eyes glazed over with defeat.

"You are..." He muttered to her inching closer watching her reaction. Sara simply just watched him attempting to un-puzzle what he meant. "And you're worth it Sara..."

She raised an eye brow at him with a small smile realising that he was being paid to say things such as this- she was paying him to say things like this.

"Hey..." Rueben took her hand in his own "You're smart, you're witty...and I'm not sure if Grissom's noticed this but you're gorgeous...You're more than worth it"

"You barely know me..." She gave a small laugh wondering what he would think if he really knew her- all of the things in her past, her temper, her bouts of depression.

"Then tell me..." He handed her, her drink and leant back preparing himself to hear the horror stories that seemed to shadow her every action.

"Are you sure?" She watched him challengingly taking a sip of her whiskey.

"I'm sure..." Rueben beamed at her.

"Where do you want me to start?" She asked taking a drag of the cigarette in her hand before giving up on it and leaving it to burn out in the ash tray.

"Well the beginning is usually a good place...tell me about growing up..." He offered her a starting point.

"Ah..." Sara began picking at the frayed edges of her jeans. "I'm an only child; I was born in Tamales Bay. My birthday is September 16th. My mother was schizophrenic...my father had a hard time coping with it...he began drinking...He was a violent drunk...to say the least." She shrugged taking a mouthful of whiskey. "One night my mother took a butcher knife and stabbed him to death. I was taken into foster care...where I spent five miserable years. At 16 I graduated high school and went to Boston to go to Harvard. My scholarship didn't cover all of the costs so I worked at Chuck-E-Cheese. Went to Berkeley for grad school- I worked at the corners office while studying...And after a few years I got offered a job here and Vegas so I moved."

Without a word Rueben closed the space between them titling Sara's chin up so they were eye to eye before he placed his lips on hers. The kiss was as slow as the previous night as they both seemed to be holding themselves back- it would have been so wrong for them to lose self control. It would have been wrong of them to test out the theories they'd had about discovering each other in a more intimate sense.

Sara placed her shaky hands on Rueben's shoulders her fingers curling around the firm muscle bringing her body closer to his. His hands found their place in on her waist, gently running up and down the gentle curve of her body. They seemed to embrace each other as if they were new lovers keeping themselves close to each other's warmth.

They both pulled away leaving inches between them their breathing almost perfectly in sync as their eyes remained focused on each other's lips. In that moment it was as if the world around them had stilled. All of the words and thoughts that had haunted Sara's conscious seemed to have disappeared with that one kiss. She leant forwards placing her lips on Rueben's again but this time with more fervour taking nips at his lower lip as they both seemed to begin a duel for dominance.

Breathlessly ending the kiss Sara brushed a hand across his cheek meeting her eyes silently speaking of the significant of their encounter.

"I should go..."


	8. Crystallization

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This is not how I planned this chapter to be...it wrote itself.

Disclaimer: I own zilch.

**Paramour **

**(Crystallization)**

"Sara, wait..." Rueben followed her into the parking lot shouting to get her attention but Sara continued walking keeping her head down. She didn't want to have to face him until she'd had a chance to evaluate what she'd done. For some reason she knew that if she looked into his eyes, saw the honesty, the intensity that seemed to be hidden there she would find herself cracking. Sara noted that she already felt guilty; she wasn't ready to cross any more lines.

"Hey..." He said breathlessly catching up with her so she had no excuse to ignore him anymore. "I thought I'd give you this...it's my book...well not all of it...what I have so far..."

"Thank you..." She couldn't help but smile taking the fraying old note book in her hand; she couldn't deny she had been curious about this writing, having guessed she could find out more about him from the honesty in his fiction.

"You're the first person to read it Sara, you should feel honoured..." He beamed at her, the flecks of gold in his hazel eyes lighting up in a way she couldn't resist.

"I am honoured..." Sara nodded trying not to read too much into the situation. This was a business transaction. It was his job to seduce women like her. _It was nothing more. _A sentence she would repeatedly run through in her mind after every single one of their encounters.

"I should let you go..." Rueben replied taking a step back from her noticing the way that her body was angled away from him and the stiffness in her posture. They awkwardly said their goodbyes; he placed a gentle kiss on her cheek not perusing any more physical contact than she was comfortable with.

As Sara let her car crawl through the traffic on the way home she realised that she needed to call Grissom. All of those things she'd said to a complete stranger she needed to say to him. After everything she needed to restate that she loved him even with all of their problems.

As she swung the front door open the familiarity of her surroundings welcomed her as if she were a ghost returning to an old haunt. Sara abandoned her things by the door as she made her way into the kitchen her eyes washing over the letters on the table waiting to be organised. She would write a 'to-do' list she had convinced herself at the start of the week but so far no such list had materialised leaving all of the small tasks and errands unattended to.

The notebook Rueben had given her felt hot in her hands and a part of her knew she was using it as an excuse to not have to file, clean or cook but she didn't mind those things would eventually get done she convinced herself. Also Sara realised that she couldn't help but let the curiosity get the better of her- it was in her nature after all. She opened to the first page pouring a glass of red wine in the process preparing herself for whatever was about to come.

The story seemed to open with a profound piece of poetry catching her off guard as she re-read the words on the page:

_...And in that moment it struck her  
the real ideas of romance  
with closed eyes  
she kissed the sea  
and let the sand castles break  
wash away to the sorrow of the waves_

Sara couldn't help but smile at the wording imagining Rueben sitting in his dimly lit office, the smell of cigarettes and whiskey surrounding him as he wrote the very words she was reading. She wondered what he meant- unravelling the lexis as someone giving up on the ideas of perfection and settling. Or maybe she was attempting to make the story relevant to herself- she couldn't tell. Picking the notebook and wine glass up in her hand Sara wandered upstairs settling in the armchair in her study before she began reading.

As the story unravelled she could feel her heart build and break with every emotion Rueben had poured onto the pages. The words seemed to remind her that perhaps in the end they were no different when it came to romance. They were both so very much in love that they had allowed themselves to get pulled in- become dependent upon- someone they knew would hurt them.

Sara drained the small amount of wine that had settled at the bottom of the glass her eyes casting over the last line of what Rueben had written so far.

_...And as much as it hurt to know that she had been lost to the storm he didn't shed a single tear. He let her go. Perhaps that was all he regretted. He wondered if he would let the words he had wished he'd said resound with every beat of his heart..._

It was that line that finally roused Sara from her seat and the comfortable bubble of isolation she had created around herself in that room. She realised that no matter what happened between her and Grissom in the future she didn't want to one day regret the things she'd never said to him. She didn't want to look back to these days and wish that she'd fought harder for their relationship.

Sara placed the notebook on the desk in front of her and walked to her bedroom the answer-phone light blinked in the darkened room greeting her as she came through the door. She sighed, pondering the prospect of listening to another empty message from Grissom, talking about all the wonderful people he's met and all the fabulous things he'd learnt from the new generation of students. Those thoughts themselves forcing her to sit on the edge of her bed Sara found the pack of cigarettes she kept in her night stand, lighting a smoke in the darkness.

She needed time.

She needed to prepare her thoughts before she spoke to him.

With every drag of the cigarette the things that she wanted to say became slightly clearer. Sara stubbed it out in the ash tray slowly exhaling the last remnant of smoke before she made a move. Sara clicked the message button with an irritated sigh her arms crossed and her feet firmly on the ground in a stance that suggested she was prepared for a fight. It seemed ridiculous. Grissom wasn't even there but it was as if they were arguing.

"I just got back from blowing and it wasn't all that bad- well- if Hodges would learn to shut up it would have been better. I just wanted you to know that I embraced my inner Sidle and ate vegetarian sushi for lunch. It wasn't all bad." Sara's whole body seemed to relax and she couldn't help but smile at the sound of Greg's voice filled the room. "I also think you should know that if you need to talk, or moan, or drown your sorrows that I have no plans and I'm not really that interested in the migratory patterns of the Blue Whale. I've been watching the Discovery Channel for over an hour feel free to save me from boredom."

He ended the call and his voice was replaced once again by the heavy silence she was beginning to get accustomed to. The smile that spread across her lips quickly faded as she acknowledged that she was alone. And as much as a part of her wanted to run to Greg's, to see the obvious warmth in his eyes as he let her in, listen to the sound of his laugh as he teased her simply just to feel alive Sara decided against it.

She couldn't put this off any longer.

Sara had learnt Grissom's number off by heart a long time ago. She would find herself dialling it but never quite managing to call because every time she would find herself backing down.

Every time Grissom hurt her Sara would just take as if it were a part of what love was supposed to be.

Taking a deep breath as the dial tone rung in her ears Sara prepared the words that she was going to say. Confessing had never been her strength. And after all of these years with him that had forced herself into the confines of none verbal conversation.

"Grissom" His voice seemed to sooth her and Sara could feel that bubble of hope rising inside her.

"Hello, it's me...I got your message but I had to head out. It's Sara." She stumbled over her words slightly.

"Sara...hello..." The chatter of people in the background was almost impossible to ignore. "How are you?"

"I'm fine thank you- how are you?" She frowned at the small talk but decided to continue hoping that he would take note of the serious tone of her voice.

"I'm doing great. What is it I can do for you?" The formality in the question got under her skin- something wasn't right- she could sense it.

"I think we need to-"She began her sentence but the sound of a distinctly female voice loud and clear on the other side stopped Sara in her tracks.

"_Who's that? Is it important?" She asked._

"_No...No...It's nothing. It's fine." Grissom replied to whoever it was in his company. _

"Sara...sorry what was that?" He asked her- his voice suggesting that he was agitated.

"Forget it" Sara hung up standing once again alone surrounded by the sound of silence. Her breathing came in short gasps as if she had been exercising and she couldn't deny the tears that had were stinging her eyes.

One word spinning around in her head; Sara crippled onto the sofa her bringing her knees up to her chest becoming the smallest thing that she could be.

_Nothing _

_adj. _

_- Having no prospect of progress; something of no value._


	9. Dissatisfaction

Thank you for all the reviews so far- please keep 'em coming!

Slight warning about the last part of this chapter...it's not pretty. I'm telling you now.

The next few chapters are entitled after L. Lee's theory on the stage of the breakdown of relationships.

Disclaimer: I own zilch.

**Paramour **

**(Dissatisfaction)**

Sara picked herself up off the bed running her hands through his hair attempting to smooth away the disarray that had settled in. With an exhausted sigh she padded down stairs finding the dusty bottle of bourbon she had kept hidden for rainy days.

Drinking was a bad choice- she knew that- but she was angry and she knew if she remained sober that anger would very easily turn into misery. She would start thinking about how lost she felt in a city like this- how she had moved here with hope of things falling into place. Those first blushes of how hard she had fallen would replay in her mind as a bitter memory.

No- she wouldn't let herself do that- she wouldn't self destruct. Sara needed to fuel the fire, she needed to pluck up the courage to call Grissom back and tell him all of the things that she had been thinking in the past few days. She needed to make him aware of all of his flaws the way he seemed to constantly be doing to her.

The balance in their relationship had never been fair but this was too far she thought confidently to herself- he had pushed her away far too much to just be able to pretend as if there was nothing wrong.

So with those thoughts strongly in the forefront of her mind Sara took the bottle of whiskey, a glass, notepad and pen into the living room.

With the first mouthful of the fiery liquid she took the cap off the pen momentarily thinking about how stupid it was that she was doing this- and that she was writing a list of things about the man she loved that got under her skin. She knew writing everything down would help her organise her thoughts which in turn would stop her stumbling over sentences when she finally spoke to Grissom. After all of this time- she needed to be assured.

Sara took a deep breath swallowing in one mouthful the bitter tasting liquid that was left at the bottom of the glass. She began writing starting with the way Grissom seemed to disregard her- pick her up and toss her aside when it suited him. It was exhausting; it made her feel small and insignificant. If she was honest she didn't know if she could take with anymore.

What she wanted more than anything was for him to tell her that no matter what he loved her and that she meant more to him than all of the people that would contest their relationship as wrong.

The sound of whiskey trickling into the bottom of the glass filled the room as she sat cross legged on the floor leaning over the coffee table tapping the pen in her right hand against the smooth wooden surface. The first confession had been like a stab to the gut and she realised that she would require more of her replacement aesthetic if she was going to survive the things that were to come.

His cold attitude towards her- point two. No matter how hard they had tried everything between them was so awkward and it didn't stop being that way. There were nights when she would catch him looking at her, studying her as if she were a specimen rather than a person. She wanted more than anything to shout at him on those occasions- she wanted to tell him that she wasn't one of his experiments- she was a person.

And when they made love it felt so robotic- mechanical.

A long sip of whiskey followed this.

Sex

They had never talked about it- there had never been a reason to- because all of this time she had been pretending that everything was fine. It wasn't that Grissom was bad in bed- but on occasion there were nights where he'd leave her just slightly short of satisfied but she had never said anything because she was in love with him. And it had taken so long to convince him to give their relationship a shot that she feared any form of complain on her part would leave the shambles they called 'being together' would crumble.

She underlined the point picking her drink up in her hand knowing that it was something she could keep in her back pocket- it was something she could use if all else failed.

It was a low blow but it was true.

His superiority complex; he was in charge at the lab and somehow that translated to their life outside of the building too. Grissom didn't want to admit it but he still saw her as too young for him- he still would pull the card of age on her but what experience did he have in the field of romance to be able to do so?

What knowledge did he have of the working of the heart to be able to just tell her sometimes that she'd just have to trust him?

By the time she had written this irritation down another glass of whiskey had disappeared- the effect slowly settling into her system as her whole body felt itself shifting into the intoxicated anger that she had been anticipating all along.

Trust

The word made her laugh slight as she noted that the first thought that came into her head when she had heard that female voice had been that he'd cheated on her.

How could you be with someone you don't trust with your heart?

She knew for a fact that when he returned she would pretend that everything was fine when he promised that nothing had happened- that she understood his requirement of company. But still the doubt would remain- she would wonder if she wasn't enough for him- if he had expected more from her.

The self loathing and depression had almost become a characteristic part of her life.

With another mouthful Sara remembered the days she would find herself staring at herself in her floor length mirror wondering what improvements she could to be the league of the other women in Grissom's life; Terry the forensic anthropologist that had him smitten with one smile or Lady Heather who had captivated him with the darker side to love.

And these memories forced Grissom's thoughtlessness to come to mind. The way he had just decided to leave without telling her, the way that sometimes it felt as if she was laying her soul bare for him and all he could muster was an exhausted sigh to tell her know that was the only way he could respond.

Another glass

The sound of the phone ringing made her jump slightly but she answered it hoping she sounded at least partially sober.

"Sara..." Grissom's voice seemed to hit her like truck and she found herself falling backwards collapsing onto the sofa beside her.

"Gil..." She mumbled grasping at the note book on the table before taking another swing of whiskey hoping to regain the confidence she'd had only moments before about confronting him.

"What did you want to talk about?" His tone was measured and it was easy enough to tell that he was still surrounded by people hoping to make this sound like a professional phone call.

"Us..." She muttered into the phone, cradling her drink in one hand, the note book resting on her thighs.

"Sara..." He seemed to attempting to gage her mood from the few words she had spoken to him. "Can this wait until I get back?"

"No it can't..." Sara replied hoping she sounded as bold as she felt.

"What is it exactly you would like to discuss?" Again the air of professionalism that didn't disappear with their apparent closeness was driving her up the wall.

"Let's start with the fact that after seven fucking years you can still call me nothing" She blurted out all of the anger and frustration she had planned on realising in small doses exploding in one sentence.

"Sara...Uhm...I can't really talk about this right now, I have to go give a speech at a convention..." He seemed nervous- she had never directed so much anger at him and him alone. "And you're drunk..."

"Just go will you. Go break a leg Grissom. And if anyone asks what this phone call was about just tell them it was nothing." With that she hung up the phone not wanting to hear his protests.

Sara poured herself another drink and reading through the list of things that she had written down the aggravation once again bubbling up. She glanced at her phone- now far too drunk to remember or dial Grissom's number- she began searching through the contacts for his name. It appeared on the screen and without hesitating she clicked the blurry green button to call him.

The dial tone rung in her ears and eventually the answer phone machine came on the robotic voice giving her the option to turn back now but Sara realised that she'd come too far to be able to just hang up. She waited for the blip to pass indicating that she could start talking.

"Of course you're not taking my fucking calls..." With a heavy sigh she began. "You're a jerk you know that...A jerk. You're just like those guys I dated in high school and even some of the ones from college...oh wait I screwed you then too didn't I? Not that you like to remember. I wonder how the university would have felt about that."

She paused running her tongue over her lip, all of the venom escaping past them was something she couldn't seem to explain or stop. "I could have told them how you took me into that office and gave me a seeing to on that desk of yours..." Her laugh itself gave away how drunk she was. "You didn't answer my calls after that either. Do you remember? You were to fucking busy to talk to me to tell that I was just a cheap lay. How many of your other students did you fuck?"

She picked up the note book again. "And you know what I have a list of things about you that I don't like...and I think the best way to say it is you're an arse. You don't care about me, you never did but you just can't admit it. You don't mind just stringing me along. I gave up everything for you. And you still don't see it."

She laughed again, pausing for dramatic effect before she said the next line.

"And...This one will make you laugh too. You're not as good in bed as you think. You want me to count the number of nights I faked it? Well I'll leave you with that...We can talk some more when you get back...If that's what you want..."

Sara hung up the phone clambered up the stairs prepared to fall into the heavy sleep drunkenness brought with it.


	10. Exposure

I've officially started a new job- first day of 9 to 5 and I'm already exhausted but I really wanted to post today so I re-worked what I had before and wrote this. It's a bit shorter than the other chapters but I hope you like it!

Thank you for all the reviews so far- please keep 'em coming!

Disclaimer: I own zilch.

**Paramour **

**(Exposure)**

Greg rolled over beneath the duvet wrapping the warmth of the material around himself as his eyes were focused on the ceiling above him. He had planned on ignoring his phone ringing but he could see the small red light flashing in the corner of the room reminding him that someone was attempting to get a hold of him. It had last for just over an hour but with an exasperated sigh Greg pulled himself up padding towards his phone angry at whoever it was that had left a message.

_"Of course you're not taking my fucking calls..."_ The sound of Sara's voice startled him slightly- mainly because he didn't know what he'd done to deserve so much anger.

"_You're a jerk you know that...A jerk. You're just like those guys I dated in high school and even some of the ones from college...oh wait I screwed you then too didn't I?"_

That line gave it away- she wasn't talking to him. They hadn't known each other before she'd moved to Vegas and he most certainly hadn't slept with her before. But instead of stopping it and returning to bed Greg continued listening, swallowing hard at the way she left the message.

A part of him felt heartbroken knowing that all of this time Sara had been with someone else that the hope he'd had for them had simply just been one-sided. But most of his body wanted to comfort her because she was obviously hurting.

Another frustrated groan Greg motivated himself to get dressed. He headed to the kitchen finding the bizarre list of indigents that his Papa Olaf had instructed him to mix the first time he had woken up with a hang-over. Greg smiled slightly being able to predict the look the look Sara's face once she saw the liquid.

The drive over to her side of town was quite the streets barely awake as 7 am loomed over Las Vegas- the party goers had already fallen into a drunken slumber and the people living there were still only just waking up. Greg couldn't help but run through the things Sara had stated as problems with her relationship.

He knocked on her door waiting with a bottle of unappealing liquid in one hand and coffee he had stopped to pick up in the other. Greg knew she would be resistant to talking but he couldn't leave her hurting the way she was without attempting to support her.

"Greg..." She croaked her eyes squinting against the light.

"I thought I'd bring around the Hojem special hang-over cure..." He beamed letting her lead him to the kitchen.

"That's very sweet...but how did you know I was hung-over?" She asked with a small smile as she attempted humour.

"I got your voice mail..." He paused. "I mean it wasn't for me but I accidently received it..."

"Oh..." Sara glanced at him attempting to gage how bad it had been, her memory of the previous night was fuzzy to say the best and the sight of the half empty whiskey bottle sitting on the coffee table did nothing to help improve how she felt.

"Here..." Greg handed her both the coffee and the hangover mixture that he had brought her waiting for her sit down at the breakfast bar before he went about making toast.

"So how bad was it?" Sara asked wincing slightly.

"How bad was what?" He frowned slightly retrieving plates from one of the cupboards. It was odd how well he knew his way around her place; they spent a lot of time together and knew each other's houses as well as their own. It was the sign of a good friendship- Greg had told her the first time he'd made himself a cup of coffee without having to ask her were anything was.

"The voicemail..." She looked up at him wide eyed and worried. Her relationship with Grissom was meant to be a secret- no one was supposed to know.

When Grissom had first told her that they were to keep the fact that they were together a secret it had hurt her feelings. Sara had found herself confused and upset as to why he didn't want anyone to know but eventually she had simply just accepted that was the only way that it would work.

The longer they continued their secret love affair the more it felt as if it was simply self preservation.

"It...Was bad..." Greg nodded placing a plate with toast in front of her.

"What did I say exactly?" She asked a part of her not wanting to know, silently thanking Greg for not being too explicit in bringing up the details of her drunken call to Grissom.

He remained silently pushing her coffee towards her not wanting to go through the details he had heard about Sara's private life considering that she hadn't told him and obviously didn't want him to know.

"Can I listen to it?" She asked.

"Are you sure you want to hear it? We say a lot of things when we're drunk...a lot of things that we regret saying no matter how truthful they are." Greg wanted more than anything to protect her from the hurt that she was experience. He wanted to wrap her up in her arms and keep her safe from the cruelty love seemed to constantly be showing her.

"Greg...please...I need to know what I said..." Sara insisted taking a sip of the coffee he had brought her hoping to treat the fuzziness that had settled into her consciousness.

"Okay..." He nodded slowly pulling his phone out from his pocket finding the message and pressing play placing the phone in the space before them.

Sara's drunken voice filled the kitchen and with every sentence that was uttered her cheeks became slightly redder. She couldn't bring herself to meet Greg's eye and once the message had ended she turned away from him slowly strolling to the French doors in her house looking out at the small yard.

"I really need to trim those rose bushes..." She commented her voice dead-pan as she attempted to ignore the weight of the silence that was lingering between them.

"Sara..." Greg slowly walked towards her. "You need to talk to someone about this...and I understand if you don't want to talk to me. But you're not happy..."

"I can't..." She swallowed tears. Sara told a lie- she did want to talk to him about what was going on, how unhappy she had been but she realised that she couldn't- she was embarrassed. She had always sworn to herself that she would never let a man treat her that way and here she was with a broken heart.

And it dawned on her that she was the only person to blame.

Greg was standing behind her now; he could see her stony expression in the window. He placed his hands on her shoulder, gently kneaded them. He looked worried- his brown eyes were gleaming with an emotion that he only reserved for her.

"Sara...whoever he is...he doesn't deserve you..." He paused running his tongue over his lip.

"He...he doesn't realise what he's doing..." Sara replied her heart conflicted at the fact she was defending him after how much Grissom had hurt her.

"You need to be with someone who does realise it...who wants to make things better..." Greg took a deep breath the words he wanted to say sticking in his throat before he could finally spit them out. "Sara you are everything I've ever wanted...and if it were me...I'd do my best to never hurt you...to never be the guy that makes you feel like you're not enough."

"I wish I'd chosen you..." Sara whispered the words coming from nowhere settling between them. The things she had been thinking about seemed to bubble up from nowhere becoming present like clouds in a rain storm.

Greg didn't say a word he watched her knowing that she would regret telling him. Tears seemed to well up in her eyes and she began to walk away from him. He wrapped his arms solidly around her shivering body bringing it closer to his own holding her as tightly as he could.

"I'm sorry..." Sara mumbled into his neck, her tears dampening his skin but he didn't care.

"It's okay...it's going to be fine..." Greg muttered softly into her ear, holding her even closer against his warmth.


	11. Negotiation

Sorry for the slow update- damn work getting in the way.

Also I've been pre-writing a Sara/Greg/Morgan fic which I'm very excited about.

Thank you for all the reviews so far- please keep 'em coming!

Disclaimer: I own zilch.

**Paramour **

**(Negotiation)**

"Sara...I know it's not my place...but you need to tell him that he can't keep doing this to you." Greg told her nervously hoping he wasn't over stepping the mark. Sara had always chosen to keep her private life to herself and no matter how close they had gotten she always refused to give the name of the man that seemed to be holding her heart captive.

"I know...I will...I will." Sara nodded stepping away from him slightly not wanting to do the very thing she had spent the last two days thinking about- she didn't want to say the things she had drunkenly already said the previous night.

"You can do so much better..." Greg placed a gently kiss on her forehead his filled with affection she had spent years wishing Grissom would feel for her. "I have to go..." he whispered to her gathering his things together.

Sara nodded slipping into her seat taking a large swing of the coffee he had brought her. Greg nodded a quick goodbye disappearing out of the kitchen. The sound of the front door slamming motivated her to get up her heartbeat in her head still. Sara knew Greg was right- it was time to talk to Grissom.

She found her phone pacing slightly as she attempted to figure out what she should say to Grissom. After hearing the rather poisonous message she'd left on Greg's answer machine she realised that there had been so many things that she had denied to be problems. The whiskey had brought out the honesty in her and she didn't know if there was any way she could pretend that all of those problems didn't exist.

The phone in her hand vibrated sending a shock through her body as she attempted to push aside her thoughts and manage with the here and now. The sight of Grissom's name on the screen forced her to sit down and with a deep breath Sara answered the phone.

"Hello." She tried her best not to sound annoyed because for the first time she wanted to be able to have an adult conversation with the man that she claimed to love. It seemed odd to her how most of their serious conversations came about only when a case had forced their hand- forced them to face the issues they had tried to brush under the carpet.

All of this time Sara had taught herself to hold her cards close to her heart in the game that seemed to be love but it was time to call- it was time to lay everything out.

She needed to know where Grissom stood when it came to their relationship. She needed to know how he felt about her because after all of this time all Sara really wanted was clarity.

"Hi Sara..." Grissom sounded distracted but it was safe to say that he was simply just agitated and worried about the conversation they were about to have. They both knew what was coming- all of the words that they had denied were like clouds warning of a storm and it was time for the rain to break and all of those thoughts to escape.

"I want to start by saying sorry about being so rude the last time we spoke..." She said quietly realising that no matter what they said or decided during this phone call she didn't want there to be any bitterness left between them. They had tired. That was what counted. Sara had to accept that she had gotten what she had always wanted but that sometimes in love as well as in life you get disappointed. You have to walk away.

"It's okay...I was in the wrong Sara..." He paused taking a sharp breath. "And it's time that I finally accept that."

It was the first time that he had admitted that he had made a mistake. It was the first time that he had acknowledged that perhaps he had done something wrong and it shocked Sara that she didn't feel a thing. All of this time she had been waiting for him to step up and finally say he was sorry but now it didn't seem to matter. There was a bigger picture- there were bigger problems.

"Things between us...Have been hard." She agreed silently hoping that they would finally be able to stop hurting each other- stop pushing each other away. It was the moment the realisation hit her the only way they would be able to do that was apart.

"They have..." Grissom seemed to be organising his thoughts as they spoke. "Sara I want you to know whatever happens...I did love you."

"I know. I know you did." Sara could feel tears sting her eyes and a lump build up in her throat. Did. The word gave it a way- he no longer felt about her the way he had done. They were over. Whatever it was they had felt for each other was now past tense.

"And I never wanted to hurt you." It was as if they were saying goodbye forever. As if they were star-crossed lovers being forced apart.

"I love you too." Sara took a deep breath knowing that her next line was going to destroy the facade they had convinced themselves to shroud under. "But I don't think I can do this anymore..."

"I'm sorry..." He muttered to her wishing he could reach out- hold her- attempt to do something to make her feel better because no matter what Grissom knew he would care about Sara in a way he had never cared about anyone else before. She had opened him up to love- to being in love- but he had let her down.

"Don't be...I'm glad...I'm glad we had this." She sighed. "But I'm exhausted and I think you are too."

"I don't want to be..." Grissom's voice was meek. His attempts at convincing her otherwise were weak and it was then it dawned on her that he wouldn't fight for her. And if they stayed in this then perhaps he wouldn't fight for her when it really mattered- when she needed him to. Sara couldn't help it her thoughts wandered to the things that Greg had said to her.

"I know. Neither do I but we can't...keep lying to ourselves." The few words they had exchanged had worn Sara out.

"We can't keep lying to each other." He finished what she had been saying and suddenly went silent as his words resounded in both of their hearts.

"By the time you get back...I'll have moved out." Sara informed him realising that she couldn't stay here anymore. She couldn't be surrounded by their memories when she was trying to move on.

"You don't have to do that..." Grissom said not really recognising what his words meant. There was no way they would be able to live in the same space as friends having been lovers before.

"I do..." A tear finally escaped past her eyelashes down her cheeks. "I'm sorry for everything Grissom...I loved you more than I've loved anyone else before. But sometimes things just don't work...and we have to move on." All of the words she had said were true- she hadn't lied- never had anyone captivated her or made her as weak as Grissom had.

"Thank you Sara for everything. I'm sorry we had to end this way." He seemed to be forcing the words past the lump in his throat. And it struck Sara odd how she had accused him of not feeling anything before and now it amazed her just how much he did feel.

"Goodbye Gil." And with that she hung up the phone placing it down on the kitchen counter her head in her hands as she let out the last ounce of emotion she felt for Gil Grissom.

The tears didn't stop as Sara packed her things attempting to figure out what she could take and what belonged truly to Gil; the photos, the trinkets and small presents. As Sara loaded all of her things into the back of her car she realised that she didn't know where she was going to go. But as she drove aimlessly around Las Vegas taking in the neon lights as her tears slowed she could think of one place, one person that made her feel safe.

So she went there with nothing but hope that perhaps one day things would get better and love would become less complicated.

Greg opened the door in his PJs his eyes weary at whoever had decided to disturb his wind-down time. But his expression softened instantly as he saw Sara standing before him with a suitcase at her side and an exhausted expression.

"I didn't know where else to go." She whispered and without a word Greg stepped aside letting her into the house wrapping her up in his arms hoping for once that Sara would let him be the one to save her.

Once Sara had pulled herself free of his embrace she looked up into his eyes with a sense of defeat. Greg tucked her hair behind her ear kissing her forehead.

"You did the right thing." He whispered pulling her against him again as he lead them both to the sofa. Sara crumbled in his arms resting her head on his lap as she let go of everything- every disappointment, every broken promise and every time Grissom had broken her heart. Greg stroked her hair muttering sweet nothings into her ear as he held her hand.

Sara stilled in his arms taking a ragged breath she pulled herself up into a seating position watching the man beside her hand still tangled with his. Greg offered her the glass of wine he'd poured for himself watching as she took it gratefully from him.

He shuffled closer so Sara could rest her head on his shoulder- body fitting like a puzzle piece against him. He kissed her hair whispering to her.

"Talk..."


	12. Resolution

You have no idea how pleased I was with myself when I managed to get a reference to 'I touch myself' by The Divinyls in this!

**Also a huge thank you to all of you that read and review my stories simply because you like how I write it means a lot the number of 'this is not GSR' messages and reviews have been starting to genuinely piss me off and a part of me wants to pack in posting stories all together. So massive thank you and hugs to RosePetal7, stlouiegal, Jannet525, MG12CSI16, Alice Fang Cullen, Catinthehat and of course Charlie for making my days slightly brighter by being lovely. **

**(I went out for a few drinks last night...I think it's the hangover talking but I'm feeling sentimental!) **

Thank you for all the reviews so far- please keep 'em coming!

Disclaimer: I own zilch.

**Paramour **

**(Resolution)**

A small amount of panic rose up in Sara's gut as she glanced around at the unfamiliar bedroom- crisp white sheets were wrapped around her and the television was still on from the previous night. She looked around but could not see Greg anywhere. With a sleepy sigh Sara pulled herself out of bed stretching her arms before making her way through the door into the living room.

Greg was laying sprawled out on the sofa one arm and one leg on the floor, his head resting on one of the velvet pillows she had helped him chose for the couch. Sara winced slightly at how uncomfortable his sleep position of choice looked before feeling guilty that she'd had an incredibly night's sleep in his king sized bed. Greg had explained to her on many occasions how important sleep was in attempts to justify why about seventy percent of his bedroom was bed. And even though she'd never admit it out loud- he was right- she could barely remember being that comfortable in her own bed even when she'd first gotten it.

She made her way to the kitchen finding it odd how comfortable she felt in Greg's apartment. Placing the coffee on, she went about making French toast the radio on playing the best 80s hits.

"_A fool could see how much I adore you...I'd get down on my knees...I'd do anything for you..." _

"Well don't let me stop you..." Greg laughed collapsing in one of the seats at the breakfast bar rubbing his eyes.

"You should have let me sleep on the sofa Greg...you looked exhausted..." Sara frowned slightly placing a mug of coffee in front of him.

"You looked comfortable...I didn't want to wake you." He smiled softly at her. "But the crick in my necking is telling me I should have kicked you out of me bed."

"Aw...poor Greg..." She put a plate of French toast in front of him before making her way around the breakfast bar to stand behind him. Sara placed her hands lightly on his shoulders kneaded them surprised slightly at the muscle beneath. Her thumbs gently placed pressure on the knot at the base of his neck.

"I could get used to this..." He smiled into his coffee mug.

"Don't worry...I'll start looking for my own place soon." Sara laughed. "I won't impose on you for too long."

"You're not imposing..." Greg assured her. "You should stay here...I'll actually clean out the guest room and we can both get decent night's sleep."

"Greg you don't have to go through that trouble..." She said shortly not knowing exactly how she felt about living with Greg.

"It's no trouble...I'd love...like having you here." He stumbled slightly over his sentence not wanting to scare Sara off.

"Greg...I take obscenely long showers in the mornings, I will take a label maker to your kitchen. I sing along to the radio- badly. I will always tidy your things away. I never sleep at normal times...in fact I barely sleep at all." Sara listed the things about her she knew would get under Greg's skin if she stayed there.

"It'll be fine Sara...And if it's not...you can always move out. I'm not asking you to sign a contract in blood." He smiled taking her hands in his own.

"Okay...fine...but seriously...the first thing that annoys you...you have to tell me." She demanded with a small smile.

"Deal" Greg agreed without hesitation.

"There is something I need to sort out..." Sara sighed straightening out his shirt.

"I could drive you...I need to head into the city anyway..." He offered handing Sara his mug of coffee.

"No" She replied quickly turning away from him. A frown flashed across Greg's face but it was soon gone.

"Sorry Greg it's...just complicated." Sara muttered not knowing how to explain that intended on going to see her host.

"It's okay...you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." Greg assured her with a small smile.

"I'm going to break up with my host" she responded quickly, steeling herself from his gaze and holding her breath as she met his eye, with an embarrassed smile. "I was meeting with this guy called Rueben... It was nothing sleazy or anything... we...we just talked. He helped me out a lot"

"If you want that lift...I'd be happy to drive you Sara there is nothing to be embarrassed about. I just...hope that next time you feel like you could come and talk to me rather than paying a stranger to listen." He said softly. "I want to be here for you."

"I will..." She nodded placing a kiss on his cheek. "And I'd be great if you could drive me...my car is stuffed full of everything I own..."

"Just let me go shower and we can go..." Greg nodded.

As he reached the door he turned around with a sly smile.

"So how should I dress...I wouldn't want this Rueben guy to show me up now would I?" He teased.

"You can wear whatever you want Greg..." Sara laughed.

"I'm that good looking, am I?" He paused to think of the most ridiculous outfit he could think of. "Dressing as one of Banana's In Pyjamas it is."

"Sounds great Greg..." She couldn't help but be amused at the thought.

As they drove to Over Under Sara found herself watching the man in the driver's seat beside her carefully wondering one night away from the drama and entanglement she had created in her life seemed to already be doing her good.

Greg was muttering the words to a Beatles song under his breath tapping his feet slightly as they drove through the congested roads of Las Vegas in the mid day heat. Sara couldn't help but smile or feel slightly envious of how uninhibited he appeared to be.

Sara wondered if there was anyone else out there who could make her feel as comfortable and safe as Greg did. When she was with him it was as if her problems didn't matter because no matter what he would always be there to help her through it.

She recalled the nights throughout her teenage years when she had imagined being with someone like him when she had repeatedly been shown that sometimes it's not worth trusting a man with your heart. Sara couldn't deny the lump that was building up in her throat as she remembered how she had imagined Grissom to be that way.

She had always expecting him to fight for her.

But in the end her heart had still been broken no matter all of the years she had attempted to guard it with everything she had only falling by accident for the older man she knew she couldn't have. Sara wondered if that had been the attraction- the rules that judged their relationship to be long.

Perhaps she just wanted something complicated just because after all of these years she didn't think she was capable of simple.

Things were simple with Greg.

He made her smile, he made her laugh and he made her feel like the person she had always wanted to be.

"What are you thinking about?" Greg asked turning to her with a smile.

"You" She answered enjoying how honest she could be with him and it wouldn't matter because he never took her fits of anger to heart and he never laughed at her stupid ideas.

"I hope they were all nice things" He joked turning his eyes back to the road slowing down to let a car pass.

"Err...its debateable..." She couldn't help but tease him.

"I'm hurt Sara..."

It was then it struck Sara just how much she liked the sound of Greg's laugh- the low gravely tones that came through reminding her of all the cigarettes they had smoked together and the higher notes leaving traces of his youth in the air. They still had so many cigarettes to go.

He pulled up into a parking space in front of the bar turning to Sara with a sigh.

"I can wait here for you..." Greg smiled.

"I won't be long..." Sara smiled and turned to the passenger side door before quickly turning back to Greg. She leant across her seat placing a kiss on his cheek.

"Thank you"

And with that she was gone.


	13. Termination

Thank you all for you lovely reviews and kind words it really does mean a lot- please keep 'em coming!

Disclaimer: I own zilch.

**Paramour **

**(Termination)**

Sara nervously made her way down the hall towards the bar where she had been told Rueben was- it felt strange being here with Greg waiting outside. It felt strange that someone knew her secret. It had surprised her how little it had fazed Greg when she had explained that she had been paying for companionship. It had seemed like such a strange thing to do when they had first been investigating the case but having spent time with Rueben she realised she couldn't judge any of the women her.

With a deep breath she glanced around the bar to find Rueben sitting in a booth surrounded by attractive young women in slinky outfits. Sara could feel the small amount of confidence she had used to walk into the club leave her as she noted how adoringly they were all looking at him.

Perhaps she hadn't have come- after all- she paid to go the gym and then stopped going.

Wasn't this the same thing?

She'd paid for a service- couldn't she simply just walk away without feeling guilty. But Sara knew it wasn't the same- the gym wasn't a person that could worry about her, or wonder where she was.

The sense of self deprivation that seemed to be constantly setting the tone for her everyday life came to life as it struck her that Rueben had many relationships- there was a chance he couldn't even remember who she was. And from the sight of the attention he was receiving she wondered why he would even bother him that she hadn't returned.

Sara took one last look around the room before turning back towards the door- attempting to think of whatever excuses she could use to explain to Greg why she had returned without a breakup.

"Sara!" Rueben shouted to get her attention moving through the crowded bar towards her- his chip toothed smile stopping her in her tracks.

"Hi..." She replied nervously, shifting her weight on her feet realising that she actually had to have this conversation now.

"What can I do for you?" He asked tucking his hands casually into his trouser pockets.

"Oh you're busy...I can come back another time..." She shrugged half turning to face the door- her body language giving her away.

"I'm really not that busy..." He smiled again and a part of Sara started to relax slightly. "And you'd be doing me a favour...talking about myself is getting really boring..." He exaggeratedly rolled his eyes indicating back to the table of women that were intently watching them.

"They don't seem to think so..." Sara gave a small laugh, smirking at Rueben.

"Well...They...don't think many things...I need someone like you challenge me..." Another one of his secretive smiles sent a shiver down her spine.

"Ha. What with my ridiculous relationship problems..." She teased.

"Err...well those and some other things." He shrugged attempting to keep the tone of their conversation light even though he could sense something more significant that chit chat was coming.

"What other things?" She raised an eyebrow questioningly at him.

"You're very smart...I find that slightly intimidating..." Rueben answered after giving her question a moment's thought.

"I see..." Sara pursed her lips as she built up the courage to talk about why she had come here in the first place. "I don't have long...but there were a few things I wanted to say before I left..."

"Sure...I understand..." Rueben glanced around quickly before turning back to her. "Let's go somewhere more private."

He lead Sara to one of the quiet rooms as he had done the first time she had come here and it felt odd knowing that this would be the last time she would see him- unless fate decided otherwise.

Rueben perched himself down on a heavy oak desk leaving Sara standing awkwardly before him as if she were a student receiving an official warning from the headmaster. She had never liked getting in trouble at school. From a young age she had been conditioned to know that being 'naughty' would only just result in punishment and occasionally- severe punishment that didn't seem to fit the crime.

"I want to end this...relationship..." She said slowly glancing around the room before finally forcing herself to look at Rueben.

"Okay..." he had a knowing expression- he had been through this before.

"It's just...I think it's time I did something to make myself happy." She shrugged slightly feeling unsure of herself again.

"That's good..." Rueben did his best to try and make her feel at ease again.

"I've walked away from him...Grissom." Sara's expression was pained as she recalled the phone call she'd had the previous night. "And...I just want to start over..."

"It's okay...I understand. I just want you to be okay." He smiled.

"I am...or at least I will be" She shrugged pursing her lips as she thought about the future.

"I didn't think you were going to come back. I have something for you...I was going to post it but since you're here I might as well give it to you in person." Rueben handed her a crisp envelope he'd taken from one of the desk drawers. Sara took it not bothering to open it then and there.

"I almost forgot...I wanted to give you your book back." Sara fished out the manuscript from her bag and handed it to him.

"What did you think?" Rueben asked sounding hopefully as he took it back from her.

"It's beautiful...you're a very talented writer." She beamed.

"Thank you...it means a lot..." A sudden shyness came about him. "Can I ask you something Sara?"

"Sure..." A slow reply came.

"Can I kiss you one last time?" He took a step towards her closing the space between them and Sara could feel herself become breathless. She simply just nodded not able to speak. Rueben's hands settled on her hips pulling her body flush against his before he met her lips with his own. He tasted like cigarettes and whiskey a heady mix that had Sara feeling light headed.

"Let me walk you to your car..." He whispered to her once the kiss had ended their lips barely an inch apart.

Sara opened her mouth to protest but Rueben had already intertwined his fingers with hers leading her towards the door so she simply just followed his lead.

She squinted in the sunlight as they wandered outside, her hand dropping from his as she saw Greg. He was leaning on the bonnet of his car, basking in the glorious sunshine that had ripened across the city while she had been inside. His eyes scanned the people passing by with an air of curiosity as he nursed the coffee in his hands. Perched beside him was a second cup of steaming coffee and a ridiculously large cupcake. She simply couldn't help the smile tugging at the corners of her lips at the gesture.

"That's Greg" she muttered, gesturing towards him with a soft smile "He's... a friend" Rueben nodded as his eyes followed her gaze and Greg spotted them.

He stood up and smiled in Sara's direction and Rueben noticed how his entire body seemed to come alive in her presence. How his eyes never left her for more than a second and how he waited for her so patiently and willingly that he was sure he would never stop. He recognised these traits in a man, he knew that look in his eye because once upon a time he had worn that same expression for a woman. He had once been the man who would wait forever for the tiniest hint of gratification.

"He's in love with you" he observed quietly, studying her features for any trace of surprise or emotion. Sara shrugged her shoulders without meaning too- her body seemed to respond while her mind scrabbled blindly to respond to what Rueben had said.

"Love like that isn't worth letting go..." He told her quietly. "Take a chance...you might surprise yourself..." And with that Rueben disappeared inside the club not bothering to wait for a reaction.

Sara took a deep breath before walking towards Greg with a confused expression indicating towards the large cupcake.

"I'm sorry about your break up..." He said awkwardly handing her the cupcake and coffee before smiling at her with everything he could muster.

"Thank you" Sara blushed at Greg's attention inching forwards on her tip toes to kiss him on the cheek but he moved far too quickly their lips finding each other's for an awkward peck. It felt like the ground fell away from under her, the power of the intimate contact knocking her for six and stealing her breath away. They pulled away within seconds apologising to each other their cheeks flushing pink but it was becoming obvious to her that she couldn't ignore what Rueben had told her.

Greg's eyes watched her nervously and she realised that it was the way in which she had always wanted a man to look at her- that after all of these years denying it she needed to make a change in her life and start to move on.


	14. Sampling

Prepared for a lot of dirty jokes? ;)

It's just been one of those days...

Please review.

Disclaimer: I own zilch.

**Paramour **

**(Sampling)**

"So where are we heading next?" Sara asked nervously getting her footing in their conversation hoping to maintain the flirty, casual atmosphere she and Greg had always enjoyed.

"Yes...about that..." Greg nervously tucked his hands into his pockets. "When I said all I needed to do was clean out the spare room I wasn't completely truthful..."

"What are you talking about Greg?" She raised her eyebrows at him.

"Well...technically it doesn't have any furniture...unless you count a drum kit as furniture..." He confessed slowly surprised to find that Sara's only response seemed to be bemusement.

"You play the drums?" Sara questioned with an amused smile.

"Sort of..." Greg shrugged. "I haven't played in a while..."

"Could you teach me?" She seemed to perk up at the idea.

"Sure...If you want." He beamed at her opening the passenger side door as he replied.

The car hummed to life as Sara flicked through Greg's CD collection mocking him at every opportunity while they drove to the closest furniture store.

Greg stepped aside to allow Sara into the store first. The first thing he noticed was the overbearing scent of lavender. The second thing he noticed was the sales assistant descending on them with a wide smile and an outstretched hand.

"Hi there guys. My name's Mandy- can I help you?" Her voice was slightly shrill and her enthusiasm obviously fake.

"We're looking for a bed..." Sara explained with a dull tone.

"Not just a bed Sara..." Greg rolled his eye at her.

"Can't we just get this one?" Sara indicated to the bed nearest them.

"No wonder you don't sleep Sara- you need to choose one carefully- you can't just go with any old thing. It has to be the perfect mix between comfort and hardness. And it has to be bouncy...but not noisy...You don't want to wake the neighbours." Greg explained with an amount of seriousness that made Sara laugh.

"You've got to be joking me...We're not seriously having this conversation." She couldn't suppress the laughter that had bubbled up in her stomach.

"I never joke about going to bed Sara...never." He raised his eyebrows at her warningly trying to make her stop.

"What are you suggesting Gregory?" Sara suggestively lifted an eyebrow at him.

"I think I'll leave you two to think it over..." Mandy's voice had dropped and her expression that had suggested she was pleased to see them had vanished. With a small nod she disappeared back towards the counter.

"See what you did...you scared her away...she probably thinks we're some kind of sex pests..." Greg nudged Sara muttering in her ear.

"Don't judge a book by its cover...for all you know I am." She winked at him.

"Do you need me to drop you off at sex addicts anonymous after this?" He gave a low gravely laugh. "Then again...PJs with dancing sheep really don't say sex pest do they?"

"They aren't the only PJs I own Greg." Sara smirked walking away from him towards the cluster of beds in the centre of the shop floor.

"Sara- this is the bed of beds." Greg explained to her pointing at one. "That's the Riva Bedstead..."

"How good can it be? It's just another bed- it looks like almost all of the ones in here..." She sighed looking around but without even replying Greg was pulling her by the hand towards the bed.

"Lie down..." He instructed sternly.

"Greg-"She tried to protest.

"Just do it..." Greg refused to let her get out of this with and with another irritated sigh Sara lied down.

"This is...good..." She frowned glancing at Greg who had lain down beside her.

"You just wanted to get me into bed" Sara smirked as Greg turned onto his side and propped his head up with his elbow.

"And it only took me 7 years!" he smiled "What do we think of it?" Sara shifted her body around on the soft mattress allowing herself to sink further into the fabric and stretching out her legs.

"I like it" she declared.

"'Like' is such a non committal word Sara..." Greg moved back onto his back and bounced up and down on the bed, tossing her around like a ragdoll.

"Hey, it's not a trampoline!" Sara elbowed him roughly in the ribs earning herself a disapproving glare from the staff across the showroom.

"That depends who you ask" He mused.

"Well my bed is for sleeping..." she sighed.

"Just sleeping?" he asked, making a point of testing the springs again.

"You'll get us kicked out!" she laughed, sitting up and carefully swinging her legs over the side.

"I'd like to see them try, I have my credit card and I'm not afraid to use it Sara!" He laughed not moving from his position looking up at her with a grin.

"I think you mean my credit card..." Sara responded.

"My house- my bill" Greg announced.

"But I'm going to be the one using it- it's not fair for you to pay the bill." She explained frowning at him.

"Sara...you've convinced me to furnish my spare room- you don't need to pay for the bed." Greg insisted.

"I don't like this...but fine...You have to let me get you something in return..." Sara puzzled over what Greg would like. "What do you want?"

"Uhm..." Greg pulled himself up into a seated position. "Can I think about it?"

"Sure..." Sara smiled leaning in to kiss him on the cheek.

"What's that for?" He a small look of confusion flashed across his face before disappearing quickly.

"For being you..." She couldn't help but say it, squeezing his hand realising that perhaps Rueben had been right- perhaps she could surprise herself.

They ordered the bed much to the entire staff's surprise heading back to home slightly exhausted. Sara placed her coat on the hook collapsing on the sofa her back arching as she stretched. Greg paused for a few moments to study her form not being able to repress the smile that tugged at his lips.

"Would you like some coffee?" He asked preoccupying himself with a task in order to stop himself for letting anything that would change the atmosphere they had created from disappearing.

"I'd love some..." She replied resting her head down reaching for the remote.

he drum set took up most of the small guest room and Sara had to shimmy around along the wall to get to the tiny stool on the other side. She beamed at Greg as she picked up the drumsticks and failed at twirling them around in her hand. They clattered to the floor in a symphony of crashes and bangs.  
"Take it easy animal, this isn't the Muppet show!"

Greg bent down to retrieve the drumsticks, crouching down on one knee and meeting her eye as he handed them back to her.

"Let's start with the basics" he grinned.

"I think that would be a good idea" Sara remarked sheepishly, placing the drumsticks on her lap and holding them tight.

"Ok… this is the base" he said gesturing to the large drum directly in front of her knees. "This is the snare, these are the toms and these are the symbols" he grinned, stepping on the pedal and filling the room with the cymbal crash. Sara laughed as she jumped at the loud noise even although she knew it was coming.

"So now I've met the drums…. How do I play the drums?" she brandished the drumsticks and raised an eyebrow, keen to get started with the actual lesson.

"You can't rush perfection Sara" he winked "ok so… you start by tapping a rhythm on the snare"  
Sara followed his instructions, smiling as she tapped the snare drum repeatedly.

"This is easy; I could be a drummer…"

"Do not underestimate the drums Sara. Now we shake it up, start hitting the toms with this one but keep the rhythm on the snare"

Sara frowned slightly but tried to follow his instructions. For a few seconds she was actually getting it, rewarding Greg with a bright smile of excitement before she suddenly became confused and the sticks fell from her hands.

"It's ok; it's hard to coordinate it at first…" Greg picked up the sticks and moved behind her with a soft smile. He pressed the drumsticks in her hands and kept his own hands firmly folded over hers. The heat from her body seemed to enclose him, making his heart rate increase threefold.

"Like this" he whispered in her ear. Her hair twisted and danced in his breath and a sigh escaped her lips as she stole glances at him out of the corner of her eye. He gently guided her to tap the snare and then hit the toms, the rhythm filling the room while she pressed her back against his chest. Sara's surprised laugh coursed up his spine and he could feel a flush work its way across his face.

"See, it's easy" she chuckled. She turned to face him, their eyes locking and filing the tiny room with the atmosphere they were creating. "I think I'm ready for my rock band now"

"Well how would the rock star like hot chocolate before bed?" Greg offered pressing a kiss to her forehead.


	15. Bargaining

Just been furniture shopping with my best friend- I tell you now- he has the worst taste in fabric! So after a few hours of everyone telling us we're like an old married couple we actually managed to pick a sofa we both like and I thought I'd post before we head out for dinner and this night is completely lost. (I think he owes me after the day we've had!)

Hope you're all having wonderful weekend :)

Thanks for the reviews so far- hope you all like this chapter- keep them coming!

Disclaimer: I own zilch.

**Paramour **

**(Negotiation)**

Greg disappeared out of the spare room leaving Sara to continue messing around and experimenting with her new found enthusiasm for playing the drums. He couldn't help but smile as he heard the clatter of drum sticks and Sara cursing. As much as he knew he was going to enjoy having Sara around Greg had never anticipated having this much fun. He realised that it had been a long time since he had smiled and laughed as much as he done in that one day.

Sara appeared in the kitchen with a grin slipping into one of the seats at the breakfast bar watching as Greg moved around the space getting two mugs of hot chocolate ready. She could feel a strange warmth flood her body as she watched him carefully stir the pan he had set on the stove. It felt so strangely right being here- with Greg.

Out everyone she had met in Las Vegas Greg had proven himself to be the kindest, most generous of them all giving him his free time, his space and things for his friends. She recalled the way she had found him this morning sprawled out on the small sofa in order to make Sara more comfortable. The thought made her feel slightly guilty as she remembered the way his neck had hurt in the morning.

"You can sleep with me...if you want." She blurted out not thinking through the wording of her offer.

"If I'd known all of this time that all it would take was mini-marshmallows and drum lessons to get you into bed these last seven years would have gone very differently." Greg laughed pushing a steaming mug towards her.

"Sorry..." Sara's cheeks flushed pink. "What I meant was since we only have one bed for now- if you don't mind- we could share it." She explained.

"Sounds good...I don't think my neck could have taken another night on the sofa." He grinned taking a sip of his hot chocolate.

"Squishy heart" Sara shrieked eyeing the mug before her with glee.

"I thought you'd like it. They're your favourites." Greg smiled glad that Sara was pleased. He loved seeing her happy and the moments where it was as if she had forgotten the rest of the word were perfection for him.

"You remembered." She seemed slightly surprised by his thoughtfulness but soon realised that Greg had always put the extra effort in to make her smile, laugh or feel loved.

"Of course..." He nodded smiling into his mug. There were so many things about Sara he had memorised over the years- from the way she liked her coffee to the name of her first pet fish.

"Greg, I-" She cut herself off pursing her lips as she figured out what it was she needed to say to him. "I have no idea how to thank you for everything you've done in the last few days, in the past seven years." Sara decided that it wasn't the right time to tell him about the things she'd been thinking about. She needed to figure out what she wanted before she potentially broke Greg's heart.

"You don't have to thank me Sara- I'm your friend..." he paused. "But I do know what I want in exchange for the bed."

"Anything..." Sara glanced up meeting his eye to gage what he was thinking.

"I want you to keep smiling." Greg stopped for a second to run his tongue over his lower lip. "Like today, I want you to smile and laugh as if everything else doesn't matter."

"I think I can do that." Sara placed her hand over his. "With you here..."

"I'll always be here..." Greg leant forwards kissing her forehead. He pulled away glancing at his watch quickly.

"We should head to bed soon- wouldn't want to be zombie for shift tomorrow." he laughed finishing off his drink. "I'm going to shower."

Greg left Sara alone in the kitchen and she couldn't help but snoop around his space. She looked at the pictures, notes and magnets on his fridge. She took a sip of her drink noticing a small sticky note with the words 'call mum back' scribbled on it. She had heard many stories about Nana and Papa Olaf she wondered what Greg's parents were like. She had heard how protective his mother had always been about him and wondered what she would think of Sara's relationship with her son.

Sara had a feeling deep down that Mrs Sanders wouldn't approve but brushed the thought away as she realised she and Greg were not in a relationship- they hadn't even yet discussed the idea.

With a small sigh she moved into the bedroom pulling on her PJs waiting for Greg. He appeared his blonde hair around him in a messy halo in a t-shirt and his sleep wear boxers.

"Head to toe?" he asked moving slowly towards he bed.

"Sounds good" Sara smiled at him climbing into bed first while Greg switched his various alarms on and adjusted the curtains to be letting the right amount of light in before he climbed into bed at the opposite end to her.

"Goodnight Sara..." He mumbled placing a kiss on her ankle before closing his eyes.

"Greg..." Sara's voice pulled him back to reality.

"Yes?" he asked wondering what she was thinking about but Sara remained silent as the springs of the mattress moved to indicate that she was shifting positions.

Her head appeared from under the covers and Greg couldn't deny the smile that was tugging at his lips. Sara shuffled closer so she was lying beside him.

"Sometimes I have nightmares..." She explained not wanting him to worry if she woke up in the middle of the right.

"That's okay..." Greg replied brushing her hair away from her face.

Instead of returning to her side of the bed Sara laid down making herself comfortable beside Greg facing him her hand on his chest feeling his heartbeat beneath his shirt.

"Goodnight." she whispered closing her eyes.

That night like many nights in Sara's life a nightmare woke her with a sudden start. She could feel her heartbeat thumping in her head and a whimper had escaped her lips before she had a chance to stop it. Greg had wrapped his arms around her bringing her body closer to his whispering into her hair that it was all going to be alright.

Sara clung to him burying her face into his t-shirt attempting to think the violent, bloody imagines of her childhood away. She eventually stilled resting her head against Greg's chest she could feel herself falling into an exhausted slumber in his arms.

Sara woke to the sound of Greg's heartbeat, the feeling of his arms firmly around her making feel safe in a way she had never expected. She stilled not wanting to wake him up smiling to herself at how serene he looked while he was sleeping.

Every night for the next week they fell asleep tangled together in each other's arms enjoying the feeling of each other's body warmth and the sound of their heart beats. They never spoke about it recognising that perhaps it would be best of words were avoiding. And if anyone asked they would just say Sara was crashing on the sofa until the bed for the spare room arrived.

The new bed finally got there placed and ready for Sara to occupy in the spare room. She and Greg said goodbye to each other in the hall way before going into their separate rooms that night. But as Sara stretched out in the space of the cool empty bed she found herself feeling restless. She gave it half an hour before she moved tossing and turning attempting to enjoy the mattress the way she had done that day in the store. But as she thought but it- Sara realised that it wasn't the bed- it was someone missing from it that was stopping her from being able to sleep.

Sara gave up throwing the covers aside sitting up on the edge of the bed. She ran her fingers through her hair, rubbing her eyes and taking a deep breath before she crept down the hall way towards Greg's bedroom.

Standing outside the door she prepared herself for what she was about to do- pushing the door open she found Greg laying in the centre of the bed staring at the ceiling. He shifted slowly meeting hr eye and it was as if they had shared some type of profound acknowledgement.

And without a word Greg moved over lifting the covers up for her. Sara quickly made her way towards the bed settling into the space beside him, she draped one arm across his chest, tucking her head in to the curve of his neck. While Greg pulled her closer towards him- his arms capturing her in his warmth as they created their own ideas of perfection.

"I can't sleep without you..." She whispered to him.


	16. Commitment

Oh so close to the end- let me know what you think.

Shout out to Charlie- who helped me through writing this chapter- I thought it was going to kill me

But I hope you all like it- please review!

Disclaimer: I own zilch.

**Paramour **

**(One Month Later) **

**(Commitment)**

Sara shifted nervously tightening the silk robe she had wrapped around herself for the hundredth time as she sat on the edge of the bed. Greg had run down to the store to pick up some milk and he would be back any moment ready to sleep off the day that had passed them by. But after all of this time thinking Sara realised she needed to do something before she went insane.

She had opened the envelope Rueben had given her exactly a month to the day- inside had been a cheque for the exact amount of money she had paid him and a note. The words reading- _'You're a friend not a client- take a chance'_. And here she was- taking a leap of faith. Making a decision she never thought she would have to make.

The sound of the front door slamming, the jingle of keys made her heart stop in her chest. She could hear Greg's footsteps as he padded around the house- first to the kitchen to put the milk away and then to the living room to flick through his favourites channels to see if anything worth watching was on. A part of Sara wanted him to get distracted by the television so she could change her mind about how she wanted this night to play out but so such luck as she saw the bedroom door opening.

"Sara- sorry...I'll go..." he turned to walk out of the room as his eyes caught the flash of silk.

"No...Stay..." Her voice was meek unlike her own as she indicated for him to sit on the bed. Greg swallowed the lump building up in his throat as he sat down trying his best not to stare at her as she sat herself down next to him.

"I think we've been avoiding talking about 'this' for a while... I've been thinking about where we are, about our relationship and how I feel about you...we're living together, eating together, we're even sleeping together...I think I want more. I think I'm in love with you." Sara whispered the last sentence.

"I didn't know what to say. Every time I thought I knew what I was doing- I was scared I was going to mess it up. That you didn't want me like that..." Greg replied. "But I love you so much Sara..."

"I know...I'm sorry it took me this long to see..." She placed her hand on his tangling her fingers through his.

"Whatever happens now is what counts..." Greg shook his head and gave her a weak smile.

"Kiss me Greg..." Sara inched forwards. He leant in towards her brushing his lips against hers- it was not until it sunk in that she wasn't going to move away that Greg became more confident kissing her slowly.

Their kiss slowly grew more passionate and the heat between them steadily increased. Sara slowly unbuttoned Greg's shirt letting her hands glide over his chest resting on his shoulders. She pushed the shirt away exposing his tan skin. Greg nervously reached for the knot on her robe but moved his hand away quickly. He paused not knowing what Sara wanted. She pulled away from him glancing into his eyes nodding slowly silently telling him that she was ready for the step they were about to take.

Greg kissed her again finally tugging at the knot on the robe letting it fall open slightly before he pushed the silk away from her skin his hands grazing her shoulders and her arms not moving to anywhere they hadn't been invited. Sara pulled it offending item of clothing off bringing his hands towards her body wanting to feel his touch dancing across her as she had been imaging the past few weeks.

Greg was hesitant, his hands trembling against her making her all too aware of the huge risk they were taking. Nerves gripped her making her heart race as it pounded against her chest. She clumsily grasped at his belt, her fingers feeling numb and unresponsive. It had been a while since she had undressed a man and for some reason his belt wouldn't co-operate with her hands. Eventually he smiled softly and pulled at it himself, meeting her lips gently in an attempt to reassure her.

As much as he was trying to make her feel comfortable Sara was aware of the fact that Greg had been anticipating this- it struck her that he had thought about it on more than a few occasions over the past seven years. She couldn't help but wonder if she would match up to his expectations. It was wrong to be worrying like this but she couldn't push the thoughts away as his lips moved to her neck while his finger tips traced patterns on her waist.

The nervous thoughts evaporated into the air as she was laid back on the bed. His touch was so gentle, his eyes held so much awe that she realised the best thing to do was to relax and let it happen naturally.

They removed the last few barriers between their hands shaking slightly feeling like they were teenagers about to go past the point of no return. Sara's heart beat thumping in her head as she looked up at Greg as he repositioned himself. His eyes shone in the dim lighting as he looked to Sara for his next move.

"Now Greg..." She muttered arching her body into his.

Greg took a deep breath realising that after all of these years he had no idea what it was actually going to be like- or just how much it would mean.

A groan escaped Sara's lips as he pushed into her his hands grasping at the bedspread beneath them attempting to grasp hold of some form of control as she contorted her body beneath him. Her legs wrapped around his waist pulling him in further.

He began moving over her at a rhythm that seemed to be grasped out of darkness taking nips at her collar bone as his mouth covered her skin in a trail of kisses. Sara's hands were on his shoulders as she attempted to hold on to him a small scream finding its way into the air.

"Greg..." She murmured her eyes shut tightly. "Greg...Slow down..." For a moment he didn't hear her- his body completely lost in the actions of his desires.

"Slow down...you're hurting me..." Sara said with more confidence her hands now pushing against him.

He seemed to still completely a flush of embarrassment flooding his cheeks as he looked down at her with concern.

"Sorry...I'm so sorry... I didn't mean to..." He said breathlessly not being able to fully meet Sara's eye.

"I know...I know you didn't" She placed a hand on his cheek not wanting to discourage him. Sara propped herself up on her elbows leaning into whisper in his ear. "Keep going..."

Greg could feel the lust flood his body again as Sara smiled slyly up at him bracing herself on her biceps as he began moving into her again at a slower pace with all the intentions of driving her wild. It took them a few moments to match each other's rhythms but soon enough their bodies were moving together.

The throaty moans that were escaping into the air astounded Greg as he kept his eyes focused on Sara as he could feel his whole body willing her to be his. His hands gripped at the sheets harder as he attempted to keep control but the feel of her skin, the sound of her pleasure and the way they fitted together was all too much. He was coming undone before he could stop himself- burying his face in Sara's neck.

Greg remained still Sara shivering beneath him she could almost feel his embarrassment seeping through onto her skin. It took a few seconds for her to realise he was spent already; his body exhausted and hot against her as he took a deep breath and pulled away.

"I'm so sorry..." He said not being able to meet her eye as he pulled out lying down in the space beside her his vision focused on the ceiling.

Sara moved closer to Greg resting her head on his shoulder kissing his neck settling into his arms in a way he had always imagined she would. Her hand running up and down his chest gently soothing the mortification he was currently feeling.

"Don't apologise it's... flattering" She smiled into his skin pressing her lips against his collar bone.

"It's never happened before..." Greg spoke through the lump in his throat. "I never imagined our first time...to be...like that"

"It was great Greg..." Sara assured him softly. "Next time will be better"

"I love you..." He said honestly to her not knowing what else would sooth his bruised ego or what he assumed to be Sara's disappointment.

"I love you too" It seemed to sound perfect on her lips.

Greg absentmindedly rubbed her back glancing down at Sara- their eyes meeting and he could see the love he had always wished to see and realised that it didn't matter. They would figure it out. The only thing that was important right then was that they were together.

Sara was his. And Greg knew that he was hers heart and soul and would always be.


	17. Institutionalisation

Thank you all so much for the wonderful feedback it really does mean a lot- I hope you all like this chapter (an epilogue to go and we're done!)

Please review!

Disclaimer: I own zilch.

**Paramour **

**(Institutionalisation)**

"...And somehow he'd convinced all the other kids to move their furniture outside to sleep under the stars" Freya Sander's voice filled the dining room as she reminisced about the trouble her son had gotten into during summer camp over twenty years ago. "He was sent home for all of the pranks he pulled on the camp leaders that summer"

Sara sat beside Greg their fingers tangled together under the table as they listened to the stories that were being shared by his parents about his childhood and worrying teenage years. Every so often she would find him rolling his eyes as he attempted to pretend that certain things weren't being shared over food but it only seemed to endear her more.

"We'd love to meet your parents Sara- wouldn't we Adrian" Greg's mother announced her eye's meeting Sara's as she attempted to keep calm about the mention of her parents.

"Sara's parents aren't around anymore..." Greg interjected. Sara squeezed his hand glad to not have to answer the question realising how what it was she had missed out on all of these years; a solid family unit.

"Oh" His mother raised his eye brows at him with what could only be described as mock surprise. "I'll just go get dessert" She beamed at them standing up in with swift motion disappearing into the kitchen.

"We think it's great you've come to visit us...the both of you" Adrian beamed attempting to sooth the atmosphere that had been caused by the sharp edge to his wife's voice this evening.

"Thanks dad..." Greg nodded before giving Sara a small smile to let her know that things were going to be fine.

Freya returned with plates containing generous helpings of chocolate cake watching her son's response carefully as he realised what it was he was being offered.

"My favourite" He smiled at her not hesitating as he took a fork-full shovelling it into his mouth as if he were a toddler- forgetting all of the manners he'd learnt as an adult.

"I know dear" Freya sat herself down opposite the couple a sense of satisfaction sinking into her system to see Greg happy.

As she surveyed the woman sitting beside him a strange sense of panic sunk into her system as she realised that her son had really grow up. Sara wasn't the girl she had expected Greg to fall for- he'd always been in love with the girl next door. But as she took in the barely there make up and the dark clothes she wondered if Greg was going through another phrase like he had done while he'd been dating that Goth girl he'd met in collage.

And there was the age issue- Sara was older than Greg. It was obvious enough looking at them. What had made him chose someone older- Freya wondered. It was possible that there was something about an older woman that intrigued him, or maybe she had pushed him into being more mature than his years. But in the end that wasn't who Greg was.

"Things are so different these days...men and women seem to be playing the same roles... strange don't you think Sara?" Freya commented bringing up a conversation topic that was bound to hit a nerve for a women working the hours Sara did. Also the almost untraceable dig at her age didn't go unnoticed by the audience.

"I think that gender equality can only be a good thing. I mean who wants to be chained to a sink these days when the world is so vivacious." She shot back keeping a mild tone not wanting to lose her temper. She had promised Greg that she would be on her best behaviour for the weekend they were spending with his parents.

"Well I've never had a problem being 'chained to a sink' as you say... I find it fulfilling to make Adrian happy" The bite was more than obvious in her voice and the way she glared at Sara the moment she had walked through the door had not faded in the slightest.

"You can make a man happy without sacrificing your own happiness. I find that our relationship thrives on sharing our interests, I don't have to hear about Greg's day when he gets home, I don't have to wave him goodbye as he goes to work every day. We make each other happy by being together, being close to each other." Sara had started noticing just how much she loved waking up with Greg in the mornings knowing that they wouldn't have to be apart for too long.

"It would have been different had your parents set an example for you. Did your mother work a lot too?" The question seemed to settle in the atmosphere like storm clouds and before she snapped Sara stood up tucking her chair back under the table.

"If you would please excuse me" She said quietly making her way out of the room. She hadn't wanted to talk about her parents or her childhood it was not until seeing what Greg had at home that Sara realised just how different their lives had been all of those years ago.

As Sara walked towards the back door she wondered if Greg would have been the same loving, kind man that he was had she grown up in foster care like she had done- or was Freya right in thinking a stable environment is necessary.

Greg stared at his mother accusing across the dining table as he attempted to figure out how he could solve the friction that was clearly appearing between her and Sara. He'd had a feeling that this would happen but realised he wanted to show Sara off- he wanted his parents to meet the woman he was so in love with.

"Tone it down a little please? She's trying really hard. Cut her some slack" he muttered abandoning his dessert and going in search of Sara. What he said was true- on the car journey she had asked insistent questions attempting to familiarise herself with his families temperament not wanting to automatically seem like the outsider.

Greg found her standing at the bottom of the garden a cigarette between her fingers, exhaling smoke slowly into the cool night air. Her eyes were focused on the stars above her while she did everything she could to keep on top of the situation that had unfolded with their first few hours here. She didn't want to lose her temper and lash out but she realised that never had she been put on the spot in such a way.

"Sara" Greg spoke softly as he took the spot by her side attempting to gage what it was she needed to make her feel better.

Sara turned to face him not a word on her lips, tears stinging her eyes gleaming in the dim lighting. She felt hurt that much was obvious.

"My mum...she's just...who she is" Greg began tucking his hands awkwardly into his pockets. "And the things she says make no different to me...I love you for who you are Sara..."

"Are you sure...because she sounds pretty convincing" Sara spoke through the lump that had build up in her throat while she attempted to stop herself from breaking down. She tossed her cigarette to the ground putting out the butt with her toes.

Without saying a word Greg took Sara's hands into his own getting down on one knee his eyes focused fully on her expression.

"I'm sure...Sara Sidle will you do the honour of being my wife?" Greg asked not being able to repress the smile that was tugging at his lips as he saw the shock the women in front of him appear to be experiencing as what he'd asked started to feel like reality.

'What are you doing? Get up Greg' she frowned at him but he refused to move or let go of her hands. "You're crazy do you know that? Of course I'll marry you!"

Greg almost leapt off the ground pulling Sara towards him as he did so their bodies colliding their lips crashing together. He held her against him the feel of his heart beat pounding in his head speaking of all the excitement he was feeling in that moment.

This was it.

This was his forever.

It had never occurred to Greg that one day he would meet someone that made him want to spend the rest of his life by her side- but Sara had. She made him helpless, loving, generous and happy in ways he had always imagined.

"We have one problem..." Sara muttered in his ear once their kiss had ending their arms still tightly wrapped around each other.

"What's that?" Greg raised an eyebrow at her.

"How are we going to tell your mother?"


	18. Epilogue

And alas we've made it to the end and what a journey it's been.

Hope you all like this!

Disclaimer: I own zilch.

**Paramour **

**(Epilogue)**

The patter of rain drops hitting the window and the sound of their breathing collided in the cool morning air that flooded the room. Their bodies were tangled together beneath the warmth of the sheets as they shared the space offered by a pillow. Sara could feel Greg's heartbeat beneath her hand as arm hand lay across his chest- as if claiming him to be hers.

He shifted beneath her taking a quick breath as the day abruptly woke him from the world that had captivated his mind. Greg opened his eyes to find Sara watching him with a careful gaze a small smile tugging at her lips as her husband caught her heart off guard for another day.

Placing a gentle kiss on her forehead he pulled her closer to him not wanting to let her go- he had waited far too long for that. She nestled in his arms not wanting to pull away wishing they could spend the day together like this.

"Can we stay here?" Sara asked speaking of the reluctance her mind offered towards the day that had begun with the morning light.

"The day awaits..." Greg smiled into her hair his finger tips tracing the curve of her spine.

"We can leave it to wait a little longer" A devilish smile spreading across her lips as she pressed a chaste kiss on his collar bone. Sara's hand travelled up and down his chest- her nails leaving their mark as she placed her lips on his neck. He found that he couldn't resist pulling her body against his.

They made love their bodies lending themselves to the very emotions that had fuelled their existence; their fingers intertwined, their breathing matching the still air, their hearts pounding like the raindrops against the window.

Sara rested her head against Greg's chest as her breathing slowed amazed by how they fitted together- and how after all of this time he could still drive her crazy by just being by her side. That awkward first time had dissolved into a memory they could barely remember because the realised they would never know anyone's bodies the way they knew each others.

"I love you" Sara muttered to him as she twisted her wedding and engagement rings around her finger captivated by the way the small diamonds caught the light.

"I love you too" Greg tangled his fingers through hers- his matching right glinting alongside Sara's. Dust lingered in the air lighting up like glittered catching the light, the sound of the phone ringing being ignored as they shared soft kisses.

"I have something for you" Greg whispered to Sara brushing her away from her face. Something sparked in her dark eyes as she watched him made his way towards the dresser on the other side of the room rummaging through the top drawer. He returned to bed with a rectangular package covering in gold wrapping paper a neat bow stuck to the corner.

"I know you've never been one for stories..." Greg handed the present settling down on the edge of bed watching as Sara carefully peeled away the wrapping paper the book in her hands. The word 'Paramour' stood out against the dark cover alongside the name 'Rueben Frenchruch'.

"Thank you..." Sara could feel a lump building up in her throat as she indulged in nostalgia as she reminded herself of the man that had taught her how to be loved. Had it not been for Rueben she would never have had the courage to walk away from the hurt Grissom had put her through, she would never had given Greg a chance to prove that no every man would break her heart. Without Rueben's encouragement she doubted she would have opened herself up to anyone the way she had done.

Sara couldn't help but smile as she smoothed her hands over the spine of the book opening it to the front page a note scribbled in Rueben's handwriting.

'_I knew you could do it- yours Rueben' _

**The End **


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